So I cant exactly move on from what happened with my baby, when she is in my dreams. Though I never got to see hat she looked like. These dreams seem so real. She has Erics nose and ears. And his brownish black hair. But I guess the one thing I gave her was my eyes. azel with a tint of blue. I am glad she got my best feature rather than one I hate. She was so beautiful. I just want her to be real. But I know she never will be again.
I have had a name picked out for my first boy and girl ever since I was like ten. The name I was going to give he was Alyssa Renee. Renee after my older sister. Thats her middle name. And Caleb Michael. Michael is my first real brothers middle name.
Is is wrong to use that name. Even if it was going to be her name. I dint really know if it would be giving away her name, but more letting her memory live on. Is is wrong to use it? What do you think?
Today, after that dream I had last night, I had no energy. I woke up crying, and of course the first thing I get when I turn my phone on is a text from Josh saying I love you. I cried. I woke up at 9 ish, got the text, and cried myself to sleep. I stayed in bed until 2:30. Then my lettle brother, the only joy in my life, got home from school. HE came in and gave me a hug and said he loved me. So strange because he has never done that b4. But it was great. So I got out of bed and made him a snack and took a shower. and for once I felt refreshed. Still sad, but not needing to be in bed anymore. I am so tired. I have no idea why.
So I am going to crash.
Final words from my day: The little joys in life, make life worth living.
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2 comments:
Hmmm it's up to you on the name thing. I think it could really go either way. If you think of her as Alyssa Renee, and you don't know if it would feel right using the name again, I wouldn't do it. But if you never really got used to calling her that and/or it doesn't seem like "her" name to you, then use it and let it be in her memory. I'm sorry this is so incredibly rough for you, but I'm glad that you still have some bright spots in your life through Josh and your lil bro. I really like your final thought, so true!
--Konnor
It breaks my heart reading your posts and i feel for you and all that you are going through. it might be hard to use her name now you have this image of her but when the time comes in the future you will know if it is right to use it. I am glad you have something to hold onto like Konner says. keep strong and dont give up.
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