I climbed A tree Today

I write to find my perfect ending, I know that sounds weird, but that's why. I guess I am able to pick out the beginning and ending to everything I write and that makes my life so much better.

I'm sorry, but this is who I am. My life is mine to live, and mine to let go of. You know, I have cut my wrists to escape this place. Not only my wrists, but other places where no one could see. No one could help, no one wanted to help, because no one wanted to believe. I wanted to escape my past so badly that I would do whatever I could to get that. I wanted to escape the way I was hurt. No one would listen, especially the one person I needed to love and understand me the most. She wouldn't believe. She said I as lying, but I wasn't. Now there is nothing I can do because I wont ever see him again. He won't ever have to face the consequences for what he did.

I have thought so many times that I wasn't worth anything to anyone. I wish with everything I am that I could make my past better, but I know I cant. If I really had the chance to change everything I would. Not so that I could give up and forget the friends that I have now, because they are everything to me, but to stop the dreams, the scary flash backs whenever I see or hear or smell something from him, or the rooms. I would go back to get back what he took away.

My most called number right now is the number of a stranger, he helps me realize that I am somebody. He isn't really a stranger, hes a good friend. But it hurts because we are just friends. They say that it hurts worse to lose the ones you love most, but I think they are wrong. Who ever "they" are.

Its complicated, and I don't expect you to understand. I wait up at night just looking at the stars wondering why life wont seem to go my way. I want this to be known by all I love. I can't change my past, and I can't be who you want me to be. But the ones who love me for me right now are in my heart forever. I have finally realized that killing myself won't cause me less pain, but end my life completely. I put the knife back in the drawer because when it was touching my skin I got a flash of my best friend. Tasha. She was standing next to a box, my box. My external box and she was crying. I saw Christina trying to stay calm, and I saw Brittany sitting at her knees, wiping he tears asking God why.

I saw my mom and for the first time I know that she does love me, even through our fights. My brothers and sisters not knowing why, baby Jeremiah not understanding, not realizing that he will never see his big sister again.

I caused more pain than good, and to live with this feeling is horrible, I cant put that on them and I cant give them back their tears.

I put that knife away because I realized that I am loved for who I am. Its a big accomplishment for me. I wont put anymore scars on my skin by myself. I wont put that pain on my family and friends. I was going to write a goodbye note, but then I looked at my wall and saw the pictures. People who care about me surround me everyday, and causing them pain would be like spitting in their faces. I don't want to do that. I think God has a bigger plan for my life than me to die in my young years.

I am really truly sorry for the pain I have caused. Oh God I am sorry. For every lie I have ever told, for every tear I have caused to fall from a loved ones eyes. I used to think that no one would ever love me, that I wasn't worth any one's time or tears. If that's true, then why am I still here? Why did I stop myself? I cant change my past, but I can control what I do in my future. Did you know that every 18 minutes someone dies from a suicide, and that every 43 seconds someone attempts one. I was almost part of that 18 minute time frame.

Tasha you have helped me through so much. I love you so much! I feel like that was over rated or understated, but you know something. I don't care. I am so lost in this world and no one's smile seems to make it all better. I wonder why it was your face that flashed into my head first. Wow.

I guess having friends like Tasha and Christina and Brittany and Josh and Cory is what keeps me holding on. I had a friend who said he climbed a tree and was still holding on because of those who love him. Well I am holding on for those guys. For the innocent face of my baby brother, for the look of pure happiness only my mother can give. I know I fight with her but she is the one gave me life, well her and God.

I just wish my dad could see how I grew up. He never even got the chance to figure me out. To know me. Maybe I'm not the best person in the world. But I am a daughter and a friend. I am me.

I started this as my final note, my goodbye, but it turned into so much more. It stated out with pain and ended up clearing my mind. Maybe that was all I needed. I turned this around because I got a touch of faith. I guess its just not my time. I know that times are so rough I just want it all to end, and I guess tonight was one of those times. My feelings got pushed over the edge. I really miss having Tasha there to pull me together again. But I guess I will hang on for her and Christina, and Josh, ad Brit, and Cory. Sage, Breanna, Mom, Dad, Brothers, Sisters, Family, Everyone in my life. God. You all love me. Don't worry I'm fine. I just started to panic because I felt alone and hurt, maybe a little left out. I moved away and I guess a part of tonight was because I felt like all these new people were taking my place. Every time I think about it I start to cry. I really hate hurting you guys. I will hang on for you. I will try hard. I promise.

Final words from my horrific day: I climbed a tree today, to see who cared enough to glance up. I climbed that tree with the promise f jumping off. I am braking that promise, and I am going to hang on for you.