Not so Excited really

ok so my sister came to visit from sacramento
yay
other than that not too much has happened.
I am writing Eric
well he wrote back
the I wrote back
gah!!!
so lame
I just sucked myself back into this stupid relationship
oh he asked for a second chance
the one guy I have the hardest time sayin no to
wants a second chance
gosh why
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to go find a pillow and scream into it

not Daddy's little Girl

Not Daddy's Little Girl
I have my momma sittin here
she's always been there
to dry my tears
brothers sisters big brown dog
no one ever filled that spot
deep way down
way down inside theres a hole inside my chest
waiting for the day
you'll come and catch me and my breath

Im not daddy's little girl
She will never be
you werent there to dry my tear
sand all that I need
Im not daddy's little girl
she will never be
you werent there to tell him no
that little girl is gone

I have my big family
but one of them is gone
the man who shoulda been here now
is gone without a trace
I try to keep it locked inside
but now the feelings out
its like a monster clawing through today
I need this voice to shout
louder louder louder now
your gone without a trace

Im not daddy's little girl
she can never be
without the man who helped
bring her here
Im not daddy's little girl
she can never be
you werent there to take control
when the darkness came to me
Ive been hoping all my life
someday you will come to me
but I know that that things can never be

daddy daddy come save me
I need you here tonight
my voice is gone and its hard to shout
Hold me dear your words dont mean shit
Im all grown up now
where were you back then

Im not daddy's little girl
she may never be
but I have my family here tonight
to keep that man away
Im not daddy's little girl
she may never be
but now all my friends are here
they're gonna protect me
No Im Not Daddy's Little Girl

I dont Know what To do

maybe if I looked at this situation the point of view from someone else I would have the heart to walk away from something I know is no good. Even Josh said he thinks Eric is no good for me. How many more people need to come into my life telling me he is no good before I will listen. Why does he have this hold on my heart when I swore I would take it back. It's not supposed to be like this. I know inside that I will love again, but why can't this one just let go. Why is is so hard to say goodbye to my past and just let it be done. I truely have no reason to hang on to him anymore. I said all I can say in that letter and still I feel as if I have more to poor out to him because maybe just maybe I havent been honest with myself yet. How is it that I can walk around each day giving people dake smiles, when I know all I was to do if frown and fall asleep because that is the only time I dont feel any pain. My heart aches for someone to be here for me and the people who keep trying I push away. Because I just want Eric. Eric, and just Eric. Can't I just pretend that they are really what I want? No. Because all my pretending will do is send me into over drive and I will cry and cry and cry.

I sent It

So I sent the letter today. Now I think I am going to be on my toes wondering if he even read it, or if he got itm or if he read it but doesnt want to write me back. Maybe he is pissed off at me for not telling him for so long about the baby. Or maybe he will write back and he will want to be friends. I don't know anything right now. But what I do know is that these next few weeks. or maybe just days , are going to be really nerve racking, just waiting to see if he is going to reply to anything I had to say.

This letter really just spilled out everything that I had been holding inside. If I had typed it up I woulda posted it, but of course I am a lined paper junky. My journals are so over filled its hilarious reading back and trying to figure out where I was trying to go.

Final words from my day: being nervous is a matter for the butterflys.

Lost in You

I always knew that you'd come back to get me
And you always knew that it wouldn't be easy
To go back to the start to see where it all began
Or end up at the bottom to watch how it all ends
You tried to lie and say I was everything
I remember when I said "I'm nothing without you"
I'm nothing without you
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me insideLet me get close to you
Change your mind
I'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
You always thought that I left myself open
But you didn't know I was already broken
I told myself that it wouldn't be so bad
But pulling away it took everything I had
You tried to lie and say I was everything
I remember when I said "I'm nothing without you"
I'm nothing without you
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me insideLet me get close to you
Change your mind
I'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
In you
Hey now fear the rise and the fall
I see evil in you
Now everyday I find myself say"I want to get lost in you"
I'm nothing without you
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me insideLet me get close to you
Change your mindI'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
A way to get lost in you

ehhh..im sick
I hate being sick
it suck major ass

today has been filled with nyquil and tissues and my fluffy pink pillow. You would think I would be really rested, but no I am just really really tired. Everytime I fall asleep I wake up so what is the point in even trying anymore. I will fall asleep when my bad cant take it to be awake anymore.

Other than that I am just really bored. Really really bored. I think I need to go do something with my time but every muscle in my body is all achy and frustrated. I dont know how a body can be frustrated but mine is.

ok so I still havent sent that letter, only this time I actually want to. I just cant because I dont have a stamp. Lol. of al the things holding me back its a freaking stamp..I am sending it as soon as I get one.

I am sick. I hope it is just the flu and nothing serious like the swine flu or anything. I already know some people with the swine flu. It sucks because I cant do anything to helo them. Or make them feel better.

I wrote my frined T.J. a letter as well. He is the guy who tells me he loved me ever since we met 3 year s ago. I dont like him that way anymore. So I basically said just that. Only I put some really funny things in it too so it wasnt just a dull depressing "fuck my life" kinda letter.

anywho i tired..night evryone.

Final words from my day: stay home if your too sick to walk

i think that I need to chill for a bit.

I just wrote a 4 and a half page letter to Eric #1. He is in vue again. Buig suprise right. no not really..anyway. I am sending it tomorrow because I know if I don't I never will and he needs to know everything.

I didnt end up going on a date with Eric #2, but I did however still go on a date. His name was Danny and you are going to laugh when I tell you how it all went down.

First off idk if you can really call it a date because al we did was go hang at the high school by my house..anyway he had the idea of going and laying in the middle of the FB field, which would have been ok if we didnt have to hop a fence to get over. Anywho. So yea me being this clumsy person, hopped and was soing good until the landing part came along. yea I fell. I was laughing for like 10 minutes. so its ok if your laughing..cuz I sure was..the we had to hop over again to get back to his car, all because he wanted a cigarette..can you say eww..

So yea I did better the second time. only landed on my feet and hands instead of my butt..lol..then the dude wanted a lap dance..you know what I had to say to that

FUCK NO!!

then he wanted a kiss and I just met this dude so no..

yea sooooo bleh!


final words: dude white girl no no hop fence

long Week

this week has been so emotional and hard on me..which you would probably figure if you have been following..

but one thing that always calms me down is a good puzzle..and today I think I found my dream puzzle..

it is 24,000 pieces and has pretty colors lol..I am getting it..!

yea pointless post..but I thought it was amazing so I blogged about it..lol

not Today maybe Tomorrow???

So I realize now that I have so much more to learn about life. I can't just puss out because my life isn't going the way I want it to. Does it ever. Yes it's hard. But no one ever said it was going to be easy. I know that God is out there. And he is going to help me through out all my troubles. I know that someday I will have the man who makes my heart jump, even if I feel I have already had that man. And lost that man. And maybe I have, but I can never know what will happen in my future because they future changes with every breath I take.

I am starting to get nervous more and more about getting into a relationship with Eric #2. (yes I gave them numbers: Eric #1 and Eric #2) I have a date with him tomorrow, and I am hoping it goes well, just because I haven't had a boyfriend in a while. Not that I need one. I'm just saying that I am willing to give a relationship a shot.

Final words from my day: I don't have any final words that could inspire even a mouse.

I climbed A tree Today

I write to find my perfect ending, I know that sounds weird, but that's why. I guess I am able to pick out the beginning and ending to everything I write and that makes my life so much better.

I'm sorry, but this is who I am. My life is mine to live, and mine to let go of. You know, I have cut my wrists to escape this place. Not only my wrists, but other places where no one could see. No one could help, no one wanted to help, because no one wanted to believe. I wanted to escape my past so badly that I would do whatever I could to get that. I wanted to escape the way I was hurt. No one would listen, especially the one person I needed to love and understand me the most. She wouldn't believe. She said I as lying, but I wasn't. Now there is nothing I can do because I wont ever see him again. He won't ever have to face the consequences for what he did.

I have thought so many times that I wasn't worth anything to anyone. I wish with everything I am that I could make my past better, but I know I cant. If I really had the chance to change everything I would. Not so that I could give up and forget the friends that I have now, because they are everything to me, but to stop the dreams, the scary flash backs whenever I see or hear or smell something from him, or the rooms. I would go back to get back what he took away.

My most called number right now is the number of a stranger, he helps me realize that I am somebody. He isn't really a stranger, hes a good friend. But it hurts because we are just friends. They say that it hurts worse to lose the ones you love most, but I think they are wrong. Who ever "they" are.

Its complicated, and I don't expect you to understand. I wait up at night just looking at the stars wondering why life wont seem to go my way. I want this to be known by all I love. I can't change my past, and I can't be who you want me to be. But the ones who love me for me right now are in my heart forever. I have finally realized that killing myself won't cause me less pain, but end my life completely. I put the knife back in the drawer because when it was touching my skin I got a flash of my best friend. Tasha. She was standing next to a box, my box. My external box and she was crying. I saw Christina trying to stay calm, and I saw Brittany sitting at her knees, wiping he tears asking God why.

I saw my mom and for the first time I know that she does love me, even through our fights. My brothers and sisters not knowing why, baby Jeremiah not understanding, not realizing that he will never see his big sister again.

I caused more pain than good, and to live with this feeling is horrible, I cant put that on them and I cant give them back their tears.

I put that knife away because I realized that I am loved for who I am. Its a big accomplishment for me. I wont put anymore scars on my skin by myself. I wont put that pain on my family and friends. I was going to write a goodbye note, but then I looked at my wall and saw the pictures. People who care about me surround me everyday, and causing them pain would be like spitting in their faces. I don't want to do that. I think God has a bigger plan for my life than me to die in my young years.

I am really truly sorry for the pain I have caused. Oh God I am sorry. For every lie I have ever told, for every tear I have caused to fall from a loved ones eyes. I used to think that no one would ever love me, that I wasn't worth any one's time or tears. If that's true, then why am I still here? Why did I stop myself? I cant change my past, but I can control what I do in my future. Did you know that every 18 minutes someone dies from a suicide, and that every 43 seconds someone attempts one. I was almost part of that 18 minute time frame.

Tasha you have helped me through so much. I love you so much! I feel like that was over rated or understated, but you know something. I don't care. I am so lost in this world and no one's smile seems to make it all better. I wonder why it was your face that flashed into my head first. Wow.

I guess having friends like Tasha and Christina and Brittany and Josh and Cory is what keeps me holding on. I had a friend who said he climbed a tree and was still holding on because of those who love him. Well I am holding on for those guys. For the innocent face of my baby brother, for the look of pure happiness only my mother can give. I know I fight with her but she is the one gave me life, well her and God.

I just wish my dad could see how I grew up. He never even got the chance to figure me out. To know me. Maybe I'm not the best person in the world. But I am a daughter and a friend. I am me.

I started this as my final note, my goodbye, but it turned into so much more. It stated out with pain and ended up clearing my mind. Maybe that was all I needed. I turned this around because I got a touch of faith. I guess its just not my time. I know that times are so rough I just want it all to end, and I guess tonight was one of those times. My feelings got pushed over the edge. I really miss having Tasha there to pull me together again. But I guess I will hang on for her and Christina, and Josh, ad Brit, and Cory. Sage, Breanna, Mom, Dad, Brothers, Sisters, Family, Everyone in my life. God. You all love me. Don't worry I'm fine. I just started to panic because I felt alone and hurt, maybe a little left out. I moved away and I guess a part of tonight was because I felt like all these new people were taking my place. Every time I think about it I start to cry. I really hate hurting you guys. I will hang on for you. I will try hard. I promise.

Final words from my horrific day: I climbed a tree today, to see who cared enough to glance up. I climbed that tree with the promise f jumping off. I am braking that promise, and I am going to hang on for you.

since When do I have Thursdays off???

So today I get woken up by my mom saying, "Come sweep the house really quickly, then you can go back to bed." Kinda strange since I usually work Thursdays. Oh well now I guess I have 3 days off a week. Yay!

I think Josh knows me a little too well. He texted me at noon and was like, "your still in bed, in your pjs, arent you." I told him no, but of course I was. And he knew it. I thought it was funny.

I didnt have any dreams last night. At least none that made me want to cry. I actually dreamed about being back in Colorado with my God Brother. I miss him. I think when I graduate im going to go back and visit all of my friends and family for a while. I miss them all.

Not too much happened today. Honestly I slept alot. I am doing that more and more. Sleeping. I wait til all the daycare kids are asleep and my mom doesnt care what I do. then pass out. I dont know why. I just get so tired lately. Maybe I need a some sleeping pils for at night so I dont need to sleep during the day. Anyway. I am tired. Im gonna go to bed.

Final words from my day: Doing nothing can be tiring.

gosha

Jeezo..
So I got asked out on a date for this sunday. I would have no problem with it. Actually I should have no problem with it. I realy shouldnt. He is a sweet guy. He wants me to be his girl. So he says. I want to give him a shot. But his name is a hard thing to get past. Eric. of all names why Eric?

Thanks for all the supporting comments. Its alot more than I got from Eric..the dad not the potential date. by the time this eric thing blows over I am gonna be so confused...the date eric not the dad. see what I mean.

Josh is leaving for college soon. What am I going to do without him. He is the one who talks to me til 4 in the morning when I am crying because I had another dream. Why does everything have to come together then fall apart a second later. I wish I could go back to being a kid. I didnt have any problems. I didnt have any heart ache. No wait I did. I didnt have my daddy. I had my step dad but now my mom hates him. She ruined everything with that. I am sorry that sounds mean but she did. Why did she have to cut us all of from the only fathr figure any of us knew. I really do love him like a dad. But there is a point when I need my real dad. And he doesnt even know he has a daughter.

I am the most depressing person on the planet. Ha care to disagree.

I think I am going to give Eric a chance thought. I cant not give him one just because my ex fucked with my head and my heart. I would be just like the other Eric if I did.

I felt so alone when I woke up this morning. Crazy considering my inbox was full of I love you and I miss you texts and emails. How and I be so loved and not feel it? Wow that sounded really conceited. I swear im not conceited. I actually consider myself a pain in the ass. lol..really I do.

Exhausted from saddness/nightmare?

Final words from my day: A name is just a name until you make it mean something.

I hate My dreams Sometimes

So I cant exactly move on from what happened with my baby, when she is in my dreams. Though I never got to see hat she looked like. These dreams seem so real. She has Erics nose and ears. And his brownish black hair. But I guess the one thing I gave her was my eyes. azel with a tint of blue. I am glad she got my best feature rather than one I hate. She was so beautiful. I just want her to be real. But I know she never will be again.

I have had a name picked out for my first boy and girl ever since I was like ten. The name I was going to give he was Alyssa Renee. Renee after my older sister. Thats her middle name. And Caleb Michael. Michael is my first real brothers middle name.

Is is wrong to use that name. Even if it was going to be her name. I dint really know if it would be giving away her name, but more letting her memory live on. Is is wrong to use it? What do you think?

Today, after that dream I had last night, I had no energy. I woke up crying, and of course the first thing I get when I turn my phone on is a text from Josh saying I love you. I cried. I woke up at 9 ish, got the text, and cried myself to sleep. I stayed in bed until 2:30. Then my lettle brother, the only joy in my life, got home from school. HE came in and gave me a hug and said he loved me. So strange because he has never done that b4. But it was great. So I got out of bed and made him a snack and took a shower. and for once I felt refreshed. Still sad, but not needing to be in bed anymore. I am so tired. I have no idea why.

So I am going to crash.

Final words from my day: The little joys in life, make life worth living.

I dont Know how To do It

ok so I am going there. I wrote a poem. Read it and I will explain.

non-stop yelling, echoing through walls
screaming crying why wont it halt
peace and quiet never came here
silence is only around when sleep occurs
but the nightmares wont stay away
distant baby, gone away forever
she never even had the chance to fight
a right she never got to have
I want it to end, can't take much more
pain in my heart, tears in my eyes
happiness is but a memory flying in the wind
no one notices the fear in my eyes
the fear she must have felt
maybe I should pay the price for her life
I gladly would, to hold her tight
My poor little baby Alyssa
what happened to the love we shared
What happened to the smiles we made
Where are the laughs and giggles
Why did it end so fast
What creature came and stole them away
was it meant to bewas she wrong
Why am I having all these suicidal thoughts

So that is probably, well maybe, a bit confusing. I got pregnant a few years back. But I had a miscarriage. Maybe it wasnt the right point in my life to have a baby, but nontheless I got pregnant. I think it was my fault she died because I didnt tell her father that I was. One night I went to his house, planning to tell him, but he was drunk. He got mad about something, and I dont think he meant to do it, but he hit me. And she was gone. My little baby girl. Gone forever.

I dont know how to get over that. Everytime I get happy inside, something in my heart lurches and that happy is gone. Just like she is. How can I forget.

Lollipop, lollipop

oh lolly lolly

lollypop

lol..

Ok soooo, I dyed my hair black lol. I wanted a change. I wanted to be spontaneous. I am on an emotional rollarcoaster right now. Im not sure why. So I though hey why not do something, um, different. And I figured, why should I go with a color everyone else wanted..light brown, blonde streaks, BLEH!!! lol

so black it is. I actually like it. My sister said that because I look so pale I should put some red lip gloss on and I would look all vampiry..lol..What do you think.

Im graduating early. I wish I wasnt. Most people are so ready to get out. But highschool was some of the best years of my life. Well when I wasnt on home study anyway. I am just sad its over.

tired Of this Crap

Have you ever been so tired of your life you want to give up on it
well that is me today
but the thing is
I cant give up
because if I do
I have people who will follow that example
so now all i can do
is try to make it better
but how do I go about doing that?

hmmmmm..

HE IS NINE!!!

So today is my little rother Jeremiah's birthday. He is nine. It makes me want to cry. He has grown up so fast. I remember him latching onto my legs trying to stand. Or learning to crawl. Getting in food fights when he was barely two.

AWWW!

His first words. I love him with all my heart. But I want him to stay little forever. He is in school, and I guess he takes after me. He is way popular and he has little girlys coming to our house. He is in so many sports I cant even count. I think he likes wrestling most.

man I wish I could turn back the clock.