So fucking Mad

ok I am so mad..like I dont even know if I have enough words in my being to say how mad I am right now. I had a chance to go back to my old school, and my mom didnt tell me about it. She knew how happy it would make me to go back there, but no for her own fucking selfish reasons she didnt say one word to me. Then when I just found out and confronted her, she was like your gonna do what I want you to do because you live under my roof. WHAT THE HELL!!! I thought your parents were supposed to support your wants and she just wont. She cant handle that I am not her and I never want to be her or anything like her. EVER! I swear I want to hurt her so bad right now. I know that this wll probably fade, but rightnow I am so mad I could punch someone. Thats all im say..

Final words from my Day: FUCK HER AND ALL THAT SHE HAS DONE TO HOLD ME BACK!!!

my Heart hurts

maybe it is because I need someone here that isnt
or maybe its because im just sad
at this point in time maybe I need to be i dont know
unhappy to gain some happy?

Im really Sad

So I called, on a long shot, the show the Locater. Or actually e-mailed, you know just to take the wild chance that I would get a call saying, "hey we found your father". Unfortunately they didnt find him, they called to say no one has any rocord of him ever existing, so now I am thinking my mom lied to me. About everything and I hate it. I want my dad and now I dont know what to do because I dont know the truth from all the lies. Is there even a truth when the story keeps changing.

Final words from my day: I want my daddy, why wont she help me?

so Here he Is

so this is Justin. ..now what?

oh No now What

Ok so I have this friend who I have been friends with for like four years now. His name is Justin. We have been really good friends, but i have always had a tiny crush on him. I know what your thinking, oh here we go another boy to add to the list. Thats what I was thinking to. So Anyway. Tonight I was IMing him and he asked me who I liked at our old school, he graduated last year, and I told him that I had always had a little crush on him, I was just to shy to tell him. Until now. And I never do that. But this one turned out good, unless he was just tellin me what I wanted to hear. He was always with one of my friends, Ashton, though. She cheated on him, then called rape, but she wasnt raped, she just didnt want Justin to know she cheated. Anywho. I felt bad because I had known for a while and didnt tell him, he just seemed so happy and I didnt want to be the one to wreck it. SO when I finally told him last year at school, the day before I signed his yearbook. He was so bummed, he turned his head and he cried, and he doesnt ever cry in front of anyone, EVER! But he said he wasnt mad at me, whoosh big relief.

Oh wait im not done. So he said that he always had a little crush on me to, thus making my little crush turn into a big crush. He is at bootcamp now and will be leaveing for the army soon. :( Why the hell did I have to be so damn shy in high school, gash danggit I could have had him, at least from what he was saying I could have. He said that when he comes to visit over holidays he wants to see me. And i am 100% positive I want to see him. And the funny thing is, talking to him made me not think about Eric or Paul. Strange.

Final words from my day: WTF!!!

Not meant To have Him there

I know its been a while since I last posted, Ive been sad and just not up to it. I miss so many people and I have been looking for my dad. No luck.
Maybe Im not meant to know him.

Im never The right Girl

Im never ther girl that they want to talk to on a rainy day. Im never the girl that they go out of their way to get ahold of. Im not the one they tak about, or the one they dream about. Im not the one they call up just to hang out, or just to talk to. I get a random text from Paul and thats when I realize and me and him will just be friends, because he has Tiffany, why would he want me. And Eric well I made some effort. I called him and no one answered. I guess its a sign. Maybe im meant to be alone. Im not going to cry about it anymore. I have too many other things I am crying about to deal with this. Ashleigh, Eric's cousin, who is like a sister to me, is moving to Florida today and I have no idea what I am going to do without her. I love her so much I swear I could fill a pool with the tears I have cried lately. How can one person possibly gernerate so many tears. I miss my sister, sh moved and I have seen her maybe twice since. I hate it. I want my dad but of course that will probably never happen because he has no idea that im here. So is this what my life is going to be..saddness and misery?

Im just really upset today, which is a complete turn around because yesterday I was a happy camper. I talked to Paul all day yesterday and evrytime i thought i was buggin him, I told him to tell me and he would say, "your not buggin me at all, stop sayin that :)" those words exactly and the smiley. So I know there is osmething between us. I just want it to be something more than just flirt buddies and friends. I mean really he is so amazing. I cant help but smile when i simply think about him, which is pretty much all the time. Even when im reading these days, which is strange because I love to read and thats my time when I leave my world behind andd enter the world of my favorite authors. So how come he gets through when no one else ever could? Not even Eric.

Speaking of Eric I gave him my number. In a letter so ow I get to wit nervously for him to call or not call. On one side of my heart I am hoping he calls, but then on the other I am just wanting Paul to break up with Tiffany and ask me out. Which is cruel and evil of me because she really is a sweet heart, but so is Paul. I dot understand how I got stuck with this stupid life, i mean seriously did it really have to go this way.

Ive always been strong, but cant make this happen. What am I supposed to do. I get so happy when my phone rings because I know its going to be Paul texting me something random. And I cried last night in the shower for like 2 hours because i want to be with him so bad.

I am pathetic. I just throw myself out there. Actually I have only told two guys I have liked them first, before they told me. And both times it went no where. So why does is work for other people and not me. Why is this so difficult for me to get through, cant I just chill and be like hey, its not my time to be with someone. Of course not. Because I am complicated and stupid and retarded.

I keep On wondering Why i Cant get It right

I cant help but wonder what I am doing so wrong to be having to feel like this all the time. I miss Eric so much, and I like Paul soo much. But Paul has a girlfriend so obviously thats off limits. But it doesnt change the fact that I want him. And Eric is now back in my life, out of juve and I want him too. I love him.

Final words from my Day: Now What?

So much Pain?

Why is love so much pain?
Sitting on the roof starring at the stars
Thinking to myself how could I have fell for someone so hard
When all I was told was lies
Now that I think about it,
it makes me cry
To know someone I gave my heart to
Just tore my heart apart
A love that is endless
Why did this love have to start
Feeling the love I have for you
Just rushes through my veins
Why does love have to be so much pain
Memories no one can take away
The pain that I feel each and everyday
And it is going to be hard,
but I will pull myself through
A real time that a get over loving you
To know someone I gave my heart to
Just tore my heart apart
A love that is endless
Why did this love have to start
Feeling the love I have for you
Just rushes through my veins
Why does love have to be so much pain
So much pain . ..
So many nights so many tears
I've cried
No one to be by my side
Stuck with misery and pain you are the one to blame
Cause it hurts to know
To know someone I gave my heart to
Just tore my heart apart
A love that is endless
Why did this love have to start
Feeling the love I have for you
Just rushes through my veins
Why does love have to be so much pain
why does love have to be so much pain
So much pain
so much pain
Oh so much pain

I really wish that I would erase what I did
I know hat Paul is too young for me
I didnt have sex with him
but I made out with him
and I feel bad but I cant help how I feel
and I know it isnt just my fault
in fact he started it
I just didnt bother to stop him
because I do like him
alot and we are getting closer and closer
wy cant this just be easy
JEZZE!!!!