Im just really upset today, which is a complete turn around because yesterday I was a happy camper. I talked to Paul all day yesterday and evrytime i thought i was buggin him, I told him to tell me and he would say, "your not buggin me at all, stop sayin that :)" those words exactly and the smiley. So I know there is osmething between us. I just want it to be something more than just flirt buddies and friends. I mean really he is so amazing. I cant help but smile when i simply think about him, which is pretty much all the time. Even when im reading these days, which is strange because I love to read and thats my time when I leave my world behind andd enter the world of my favorite authors. So how come he gets through when no one else ever could? Not even Eric.

Speaking of Eric I gave him my number. In a letter so ow I get to wit nervously for him to call or not call. On one side of my heart I am hoping he calls, but then on the other I am just wanting Paul to break up with Tiffany and ask me out. Which is cruel and evil of me because she really is a sweet heart, but so is Paul. I dot understand how I got stuck with this stupid life, i mean seriously did it really have to go this way.

Ive always been strong, but cant make this happen. What am I supposed to do. I get so happy when my phone rings because I know its going to be Paul texting me something random. And I cried last night in the shower for like 2 hours because i want to be with him so bad.

I am pathetic. I just throw myself out there. Actually I have only told two guys I have liked them first, before they told me. And both times it went no where. So why does is work for other people and not me. Why is this so difficult for me to get through, cant I just chill and be like hey, its not my time to be with someone. Of course not. Because I am complicated and stupid and retarded.