when Will what I want Finally matter?

today was one of those days when what you want really just seems to float around in every one's head, but they don't really care. Or at least that is what it felt like. I would like to think I am a good person and everyone would like me. But this is most definitely not the case.

today I thought a lot about the girl who completely turned my life upside down twice. Her name is Tashina. I used to want to hurt this girl because of how bad she hurt me. But I cant hold that anger inside me forever, i need to forgive her. Which is what I did when she texted me out of nowhere and apologized.

First off I don't know how she got my number, so she had to have gone out of her way to find it considering we haven't been friends for a very long time. Maybe a back round story on this one would make sense.

I met her when she transferred to my school in my sophmore year. She had no friends and didn't know anyone. Me being the person I am, introduced myself and all of my friends. I have regretted it ever since. We started out cool, but two weeks after the introductions she stated talking about me behind my bad. Saying cruel things to people I was really good friends with. One particular person in general, Kurt. My love at first sight man. She told him that I wanted to beat his at the time girlfriend Spencer's ass. Which is so not true, yes I was a tad bit jealous of her, i mean she was with the guy I couldn't stop thinking about. The guy I saw and my heart skipped a beat. But I figured I would rather be friends than nothing so I got to know Spencer and she turned out to be really cool. But when Tashina went to her saying all those things we sorta stopped talking. Which wasn't that sad on the Spencer side, but Kurt wouldn't even look at me. We were good friends and he acted like I didn't exist. We eventually figured out that Tashina had started all this, and resolved everything. But the thing is me and Kurt have never been the same. We wave and say hi, but no more hour long chat like the old times.

Then she started dating my ex, which you know I have to get over. But its not the face that they dated, it that she told him I was lying about something I could never possibly lie about. I don't want to go into that whole thing right now because I will just start crying.

So anyway. She texted me and apologized for everything she has ever done. I mean down to EVERYTHING! she didn't miss anything, which leads me to believe she really did feel bad and was sincerely sorry.I only had one question for her. Why me. Out of all the people in the world she could fuck over, why me?

She explained in detail.

She said right out. I was jealous of you. You seemed to have this perfect life. You are beautiful. You had a great boyfriend. And you have no enemy's, everyone liked you. Believe me everyone. I had to get in Spencer's head to start everything I started. You had perfect grades and a perfect lifestyle. I was just so jealous and I wanted what you had. You just seemed so happy and I wasn't. You opened your heart to me and you didn't have to do that. I know I betrayed your trust and we will probably never be friends but I hope you can forgive me. My grandma beats me and I hate my life. That is not an excuse for what I did, because I had no right to do what I did. I wished that you would feel the pain I felt everyday. It was wrong of me because you were so nice to me and you let me in when no one else would give me a chance. I am truly sorry and I hope one day we will be friends.

That is what she sent. I didn't rephrase or anything. I wrote what she texted. She seems so genuine, so sincere. at first I wrote back really angry saying things I have wanted to say for such a long time. Then almost directly after my phone said message sent I wrote back apologizing for what I had just said. I felt so bad. But she said everything I was was true. Only it wasn't. She doesn't deserve to be beat by her grandma, or told that she is ugly and worthless to everyone who sees her. No one deserves that.

In the end I did forgive her. Honestly I do. I am still mad as hell about what she did. But I do forgive her. But what I think she really needs is to forgive herself and ask God forgiveness as well. I told her that if she ever needed someone to talk to I am here and I will always help her out. But I really don't think we will ever be friends. She hurt me so bad because we were friends. Because I did trust her. She betrayed that trust in the worst way. And it hurt that much more because I did help her out in the beginning.

Anyway that's the only major thing that happened today.

Final words from my day: Forgiveness can always be given, even in the worst situations, even when some don't deserve that forgiveness. It takes courage to forgive and honesty to mean it.