I'm not ready to give up on the people and the things I love. I am too awake right now and I don't think I can fall asleep with all these things in my head. First of all, why cant Eric just stop getting himself into stupid situations. Why does he have to make it so hard to trust him. I know he knows right from wrong, but its like he goes out of his way to screw up his life. I never thought that telling him the secret I had kept inside and away from him for two years would turn into no big deal to him. But it was a big deal to me. A very big deal. And then there is Kurt who has moved on, but you know what I don't really think about him that much anymore. I have new interests.

Paul is like a smile right when I wake up, he is like a hug when all you want to do is run away and hide. He makes me laugh and he always says the right thing at the right time. He is the breeze we all wait for on a hot summer day. But then there is Josh, and he is so..gosh I don't even have the words to describe how he makes me feel. Why do I get two great guys, and have to choose. I cant do it. But I have to and I think I have to choose the more logical one. Even if age isn't supposed to matter. Now that I am 18, Paul seems to be out of reach, considering he is only 15 turning 16. Yea not cool with the law right. I hate being 18, it doesn't really give me much more freedom than I had before. Anyway. Josh is 18 and well actually he is only one week older tan me. But that's not really the point I like them both and I don't want to have to choose. And Paul doesn't really show interest when we are in person, but then when we text its like whoa connection. And Josh, well we are just friends. After not talking for almost or maybe over a year..he just pops back into my life. And I know I like him.

Then I have school. Which I haven't started yet..I am a senior and I haven't started school yet. I think I should just go back to Colorado and do what I can there. I want to be away from all of this and everyone. I don't think I can handle anymore disappointment and right now that is all that is coming into my life. I am just going to sleep on the idea. I mean I have family out there, but the friends I have made here are way better than the life I left behind.

On another note. I want to find my dad. The man who doesn't know I exist. What could possibly go wrong? I will just have to pray to God for some answers. No one else seems to have any for me.