One of Those dayz?

sometimes I think about how horrible my day is going, or how long it is, or just..well..about evrything that has gone wrong, all in one day. Well today was a mixture of bad and good, and honestly I am exhausted, but I must blog the readers... :)

So to start it off I woke up at 2:30 this morning to my dog trying to attack my cat. They have always gotten along, and just these past couple weeks Pumba(my dog) has been the biggest ass to George(my cat). I dont know what is problem is but he has been a jerk to all the animals lately. Not just George.

Then I got woken up again by my mom, who by the way does open doors she throws them, saying that she had to leave so I had to work today..Lame considering I get tuesdays, thursdays and weekends off unless she goes out of town on saturday for my sisters cheer meets. But I was supposed to have today off because I worked yesterday, due to my mom being a blonde and forgetting that she had an appointment that was only supposed to last an hour..yea right..with her an hour is 4 hours like 5 minutes can turn into 2 hours. Im not exaggerating. My mom runs an in home 24/7 daycare. So my house is never peaceful. But yeah so I worked today. Not getting much sleep last night because I thought I would have today off, I stayed up late.

Then Simon came home, which automatically ut me in a fussy mood because he thinks he just Mr. High and Mighty and everyone should clean up and cook for him and dinner has to be done when he gets back from practice or we are terrible people. Its whatever now cuz guess what. just guess..ok dont guess I'll just tell you. He is going to be gone by sunday!!! so freakin happy. Anyway back to the reason I was mad at him even more today. So he goes into the kitchen, leaves the fridge open, leave the sink running, and a mess on the counter. We in this house have a rule, open it close, mess it up clean it up, turn it on turn it. Simple right. I guess not for him. Then he goes into the living room and starts eating on the couch! Not allowed unless the table is full of daycare kids, which it wasnt because half were with my mom somewhere and then some in the playroom and some takin a nap. Then he decided that he had to leave. Fine by me, only he left a knife sitting on the floor. Any one of those little kids could have gotten to it and really hurt themselves. WHAT KIND IF MORON LEAVES A KNIFE ON THE FLOOR AROUND KIDS!!! GOSH!!! Plus he made a huge mess n the couch and since my mom was gone I had to clean it up. He comes back and I tell him that he shouldnt eave knifes on the floor because of the kids and he had the nerve to say, "little children should learn to not touch what is not theirs. They need disipline and maybe knife will teach that." WAT A RETARD! Stupid. I tried to keep my cool, so I went outside and screamed really loud! AHHHH! jeeze. Anyway happier cuz no one in california or anywhere near california wants to take him and the only available place is in, wait for it, ALASKA!!!! HELL FUCKIN YEA!!!

aww so happy. oh and I have to work tomorrow. but starting at 3 and only for a bit cuz my moms other workin is comin in she just has to go watch her boys game then she will be here..yippie!

So sorry for that uhh language. Im gonna go sleep. So tired.. :)

Final words of the day..

Knives ARE NOT a lesson to be learned..they are for cutting! Not little children who dont know any better because they barely know how to CRAWL!!!

Not too Sure yet?!?

I find myself thinking about Eric alot lately. I got into my mode where I have to go through everything and clean it even if it isnt messy. I always do that when i think of Eric. I dont know why, it just happens, every single frinkin time. but on the plus side my mom didnt have to scream at me to clean my room because when she came to yell at me about it, it was all shiny. It comes down to this. I still love Eric, and I probably always will, but no matter how much I love him, I cant get back together with him. I gave him a second chance and he blew it out of the water with a frickin bomb. Love hurts sometimes. And I wil have to get used to that. No matter how much I want to believe that he really cared for me, I know that all he really wanted was someone to have sex with, and that is so not cool with me. I just wish I would have known that when I was with him. I have this way of falling for guys I know arent good for me. Eric isnt the first.

Lets take a trip down memory lane shall we..

First there is my first ever boyfriend, from way back in preschool..lol..Israel. He was my first love lol. Well he was my first puppy love anyway. I will never forget that firey red hair. He was also my first kiss. Wow I miss that kid lol.

Then Christian, boy was that a mistake. In the beginning he was wonderful, and he spoiled me that was a major plus. Not that I'm a gold digger, just sayin I didnt mind. Everytime he did something to upset me he would fix it with buyng something for me. Thats when I started noticing the change in him. He would get so rough and then one day he grabbed my hand and twisted it. But of course I didnt think anything of it because I thought that was normal. So not normal. I know that now. One day he just hit me, out of no where I guess I said something to upset him. Im so happy that my friend Phil was there to see that, because no one else ever believed me, because Christian was just such a nice guy. Im not even the one who broke it off with him, my friend Vanessa did it because I was too afraid to go near him.

Then we have Eric and he hit me once and that killed our relationship. That was his second chance. The first he blew by cheating on me. With someone who was supposed to be his sister. Yuck!

Kurt was awesome. I could have swan in those beautiful grey blue eyes..mmmm. so gorgeous. I loved his eyes. In a way I think I loved him, or it was just a really really big crush. I never got him though. It was shawna then spencer and wat really sucks about that, is that I could have had him. Its just that Tashina had to go and fuck it up by tellin lies and spreadin rumors and now me and Kurt dont even talk. We used to be like best friends. Now we see each other, wave, and pass on. Goes to show that everything has its good and rough times, only the ones that are meant to go through really do. and I guess that some friendships are meant to end.

Chance, well Chance was really spontaneous. He was a small crush that got lit up and pushed forward. It lasted a short time and I dont regret anything that happened.

and finally we have Lyle..one night stand..nuff said.

Paul is a mega crush as well as Josh. Paul is illegal considering im 18 but everyone says age shouldnt matter, but it kind of does. With both of us. and Tiffany stands in the way of his sexy self. And Josh is just not gonna tell me how he feels anytime soon. Yippie for me.

I need to find a guy. Or maybe I should just occupy myself and stay single till some amazing guy comes through. It could happen right?

A few months ago my best friends grandpa past away and I miss him alot. When I moved there they all welcomed me like I was family. And then a few days ago KCs mom past on. I feel so terrible about it. And I cant do anything to change the fact that they ae both gone, and they wont be back. But I will keep them in my heart.

Final words from my day...Bless the time you have with the ones you cherish, you never know when it will all end, or someone will suddenly pass away. R.I.P Mamma Wiseman and Grandpa Lawsen you will never be forgotten.

some hope

today I talked to Josh and asked him why he has been so distant with his feelings. He said that even though he is the one who broke up with Sarah (his pyscho ex) that he still cares for her. I know how he feels because I miss Eric like that all the time..but him and Sarah are more recent and they were together longer than me and Eric. I guess I just need to sit back and let it play out how it wants to. I cant force him to want me like I want him. And I would rather stay friends with him than push the issue and end up fighting. GAHHH!!!

I am excited for spring break. Its days away but I cant wait. Me and Tasha (my best friend) are planning a trip just the two of us for that week..SO EXCITED!! We dont know where we are going yet but we just know we want to get away. I called her crying the other day because everything was coming at me all at once. I was fighting with my mom and my sister. I was worried about my other best friend Cory because his aunt just dyed. And KC, Cory's cousin, is like a big brother to me, I havent seen either of them in such a long time. I tried calling Cory but I guess his phone is disconnected. Which worries me even more because he always pays his bill. I feel like im being cut off from everyone I love most.

Things will get better soon I hope. Its like people say, you have to get through the bad times before you get to the good because you wont know if its good unless you've experienced the bad.

I just bough the move Cast Away. I wonder what it would be like to be stranded on an island with everyone thinking you were dead. Your only friend being a vollyball. That would be so sad. To be secluded like that. I would hate it. Especially because I cant go one day without talking to Tasha. I remember when I lost my voice, it was so bad. I couldnt even whisper, cuz you couldnt hear it. everyone thought it was funny, even I thought it was funny. Then when I had to give a speech I was laughing so hard, of course you couldnt hear it, but like no one understood a word I was trying to say. Anyway back to the point. That was such a good movie, really sad ending.

I miss Colorado sometimes. Im thing about moving back there.

well im out..love to all of you

final words from my day: not everything is meant to be, if you let it go and it comes back, you know that it is.

Jeemany Christmas

so we are houseing these two foreign exchange boys. One from Thailand and the other from Germany. Simon is from Germany and I just want to hurt him sometimes. So I was changing in m roo today and he just walks in. Doesnt even knock. How rude. Then later that day I was sleeping cuz I had just got back from the eye doctors and my head hurt pretty bad and when I woke up he was just staring at me. Kinda creepy. So I told my mom and she said that she put in a request to have him transfered to another house or just sent back to Germany. Either way im glad he is leaving. Maybe I sounf like a royal bitch for wanting him gone but I for one like my privacy andfeeling comfortable in my own home.

I went to the eye doctor today because I kept getting head aches when I read or watch a movie or something. The doctor said the I have to get reading glasses and maybe contacts to wear all the time because the glasses I would need to wear al the time would give me a head ache becuse of the two different size lences. Which is cool. I mean Im a book worm and there is no way in hell I am giving up reading just because my eyes decided they want to be retarded.

I went to Barnes and Noble today and got the final book in the Saga I am reading. Night World. I love those books. I love the author. She is one of my favorites. L.J. Smith. Such a wonderful author. My other favorite author is Lurlene McDaniel. She is a really inspiring author. While I am on the topic of books. I find it kind of strange that most of my friends would rather smoke pot that read a verse from the bible. Maybe that is just me, but teenagers these days are really strange. I mean I myself skip somenights, just because I am tried and forget, but Ihave friends who dont even own a bible.

Im kinda ready to give up on Josh. I mean I like him soooo much but he is sending me so many mixed signals. And today I got a text from him saying if you could ask me one question what would it be, I asked him Why are you so mysterious about your feelings. He was like what are you talking about. I said well when ever I tell you how I feel about you, you just say you never know what can happen. He said well someday might just tel you, you never know. GOSH! so frustrated. Or maybe my patients is just really low today because of Simon. I dont want to be the kind of girl that obsesses over a guy until she has him or he gets with someone else and them im heartbroken. Im not saying im obsessed with him, im just saying I think about him alot.

So im really tired and i have to go to the store and buy a lock for my door tomorrow cuz I dont know exactly when Simon will be leaving.

Final words of wisdom my my long day: Dont wait around to know how someone feels about you..ask and who knows you may just get an answer, even if I didnt.

Josh can be so cute. I love it, but then its not a clear feeling im getting. Like he is a major flirt, but maybe that is all he is doing. Flirting.

I went and saw a movie tonight. Time Traveler's Wife. It was really good. Kinda slow to start btu it was funny and I had a good time..Girls went to one movie boys to another.

We are sending Simon back to Germany. He is being such a jerk and he doesnt know what the word privacy means. Lucky on the other hand is so awesome. He is funny and heunderstands that he has to do what we do because that s the whole point of being a foreign exchane student right. To learn how to live in our culture. Simon jst isnt willing to do that. He doesnt even want to give it a try.

I am so tired. I am going to cut this one short. Iwill leave you with a message in my head.

Love is never fake, it doesnt have to make sense, or follow any rules. It just is what it is, and you cant choose when you fall.

Im stupid

ok so Josh is not making this any easier for me. When I tell him how I feel he says "you never know what can happen. everything can change in a second." Yes I know everything can change in a second, but what the hell am I supposed to do until it does change. Gosh Josh I like you so much and your killing me.

Today I finally let go and cried. I went to the bathroom to fix my hair and I just started balling. Is this what it has come to? Having to hide my sadness in the bathroom. Half the time I dont even know why im sad.

I told everyone today that Im not going back to trinity and a few people seemed sad. But the rest were just like ok you gotta do what makes you happy. I am happy they want me to do what I want, but I was kind of hoping a lot more people would protest and tell me I need to come back. Poor Chelsey she was so sad. I am really trying to find a way to go back I just dont see how it can be possible now that the Mill burnt down. All the businesses are going to want to hire people with experience. I have none. So where is my way out.

Maybe going to Colorado is the best thing for me right now. Tasha says she understands, and deep down I know she does, but she really doesnt want me to go. I dont want to leave her. This would be so much easier if I could just take her with me. And Brittany, I dont know what her problem is. Its like I try to be there for her but when I need her she doesnt want to hear anything I have to say. And Christina, well she is all wrapped up in Garth the I cant get through to her anyway.

Maybe I am just being overly dramatic, but hey we all have our moments. And we all get over them...right?

I'm not ready to give up on the people and the things I love. I am too awake right now and I don't think I can fall asleep with all these things in my head. First of all, why cant Eric just stop getting himself into stupid situations. Why does he have to make it so hard to trust him. I know he knows right from wrong, but its like he goes out of his way to screw up his life. I never thought that telling him the secret I had kept inside and away from him for two years would turn into no big deal to him. But it was a big deal to me. A very big deal. And then there is Kurt who has moved on, but you know what I don't really think about him that much anymore. I have new interests.

Paul is like a smile right when I wake up, he is like a hug when all you want to do is run away and hide. He makes me laugh and he always says the right thing at the right time. He is the breeze we all wait for on a hot summer day. But then there is Josh, and he is so..gosh I don't even have the words to describe how he makes me feel. Why do I get two great guys, and have to choose. I cant do it. But I have to and I think I have to choose the more logical one. Even if age isn't supposed to matter. Now that I am 18, Paul seems to be out of reach, considering he is only 15 turning 16. Yea not cool with the law right. I hate being 18, it doesn't really give me much more freedom than I had before. Anyway. Josh is 18 and well actually he is only one week older tan me. But that's not really the point I like them both and I don't want to have to choose. And Paul doesn't really show interest when we are in person, but then when we text its like whoa connection. And Josh, well we are just friends. After not talking for almost or maybe over a year..he just pops back into my life. And I know I like him.

Then I have school. Which I haven't started yet..I am a senior and I haven't started school yet. I think I should just go back to Colorado and do what I can there. I want to be away from all of this and everyone. I don't think I can handle anymore disappointment and right now that is all that is coming into my life. I am just going to sleep on the idea. I mean I have family out there, but the friends I have made here are way better than the life I left behind.

On another note. I want to find my dad. The man who doesn't know I exist. What could possibly go wrong? I will just have to pray to God for some answers. No one else seems to have any for me.