Im sorry it has boon so long since I have posted any blogs. I have ben going though so much and it probably would have helped to write something about it. So maybe I should fill all of you in.
Eric, the ex not the newby, recently started calling me. He wants to start over. Just as friends, but to tell you the truth I am scared beyond all belief. He was my everything and when I broke up with him he took a peice of my heart. He still has it and I dont know if I want it back or if I want him to be more careful and stop sticking needles in it. He said he still loves me and of course my dumb ass believes him. Why I dont know so dont ask cuz I cant tell you. Yesterday we got into a fight over the phone. Over something stupid and retarded. But I caught him in a lie and I called him on it and he didnt like it at all. He hung up on me and that was that. Then he called me today and acted like nothing even happened. I hate feeling that I am just here to amuse him.
Paul and I now have nicknames for each other. Its kinda funny and rediculous but I like it and honestly he has become one of my best friends since we have met. He is Penguin and I am Goose. Dont ask where they came from, its just a random thing that happened over text. Speaking of texting, I text him more than anyone else, we talk more than I talk to Tasha and she is my best friend. How can that be. I just get so happy when his name pops up and I get butterflies and goose bumps. I love it. But I hate it at the same time, because he knows exactly how I feel and I am left wondering how he feels. He is still with Tiffany but he seems so unhappy with her. Like I have to pull him out of sad moods after they fight, which is all the time. He said he likes talkin to me, and i love talkin to him. He makes me smile at the smallest things. And when I am around him he is just.... wow. thats the only way I can describe it.
I went to a halloween party at my friend KCs and Kurt was there. He got fat and I am actually kind of disgusted at how he is now. He has let himself go and I still think his eyes are the most beautiful things ive seen on this earth but beside that I dont think I am interested in him anymore. Strange how time can catch up with you and things and people you once knew are so alien to you now. I like it but I dont. I know im confusing, but who isnt.
Brittany is moving in with me. YAY! I am excited because when she is around my mom isnt so mean to me. We have this big plan to move out and get a place I hope that happens sooner than I am thinking its going to. But then I always want what I can have. I have been going out alot. drinking and smokin pot. I like the escape but I realize that the reality is still there waiting for me when I get of that high cloud im on. Im not onna say im going to stop, because I know im not, but I know I am going to slow down and take a breath. I need to. I cant live my life on a cloud anymore. It was good for a while, but somehow my life went down a path that I dont remember going down and its because I was so high up I couldnt see that I was crumbling.
I still want to fall asleep and not wake up, but other than that I am just numb to the world. I see now that I am important when people I dont even know write me and say I am impoartant. You know who you are, and I thank you because I was at the point of not caring that I needed to slow down. So thank you and you really encouraged me to keep writing. It helps to know that people are actually listening.
Ashleigh is getting out of Juve soon. I am the only one that knows the date. I want to go pick her up. I almost gaveup on my drawing but she kicked my butt back into shape when I told her that. lol..guess I should post some of my work for you all to see. Most of it is gloomy but what can I say they follow my mood.
Final words of my day: sometime you need to float down from the cloud youve been on to realize that life doesnt go away when you get lost.
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of course i dont know what your going through, but just reading the first paragraph about your ex reminds me of me and my ex. we had a really messy break up but still really cared. we then became friends again, it didn't work. a few months later, we became friends again, and it worked longer than the time before but it didn't work. its just...i thought i was 100% over him when we became friends each time, but when we started hanging out i realised i wasn't. i guess what i'm saying is...well...my advice is...no its not even advice, its just looking at things from my perspective, be careful if you become friends with your ex again, especially if one of you have feelings still. In the short run it might be painful to let go, but i know for my health/sanity, it was best for me and him not to be friends anymore. now we're both in other relationships and i'm hoping in a year or 2 we can become friends again. Anyway, i guess it kind of is advice, but i dont really see it as advice as this is just what worked best in my situation, not necessarily in yours. make sense? ahhh. lol. now i'm rambling. i understand the feeling of drinking etc to feel alive and it sucks when it hits that reality still exists. i hope things look up for you soon and even though i am a stranger, i do care about your happiness and please be careful on those days where life doesn't seem worth living. Love Morgan x PS sorry if i sound all like "yeah i have heaps of life experience and i know what i'm talking about in the world", because i realise i dont have that much life experience and i am only 18 and even if i'm not happy now, i will be one day. :)
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