when Will what I want Finally matter?

today was one of those days when what you want really just seems to float around in every one's head, but they don't really care. Or at least that is what it felt like. I would like to think I am a good person and everyone would like me. But this is most definitely not the case.

today I thought a lot about the girl who completely turned my life upside down twice. Her name is Tashina. I used to want to hurt this girl because of how bad she hurt me. But I cant hold that anger inside me forever, i need to forgive her. Which is what I did when she texted me out of nowhere and apologized.

First off I don't know how she got my number, so she had to have gone out of her way to find it considering we haven't been friends for a very long time. Maybe a back round story on this one would make sense.

I met her when she transferred to my school in my sophmore year. She had no friends and didn't know anyone. Me being the person I am, introduced myself and all of my friends. I have regretted it ever since. We started out cool, but two weeks after the introductions she stated talking about me behind my bad. Saying cruel things to people I was really good friends with. One particular person in general, Kurt. My love at first sight man. She told him that I wanted to beat his at the time girlfriend Spencer's ass. Which is so not true, yes I was a tad bit jealous of her, i mean she was with the guy I couldn't stop thinking about. The guy I saw and my heart skipped a beat. But I figured I would rather be friends than nothing so I got to know Spencer and she turned out to be really cool. But when Tashina went to her saying all those things we sorta stopped talking. Which wasn't that sad on the Spencer side, but Kurt wouldn't even look at me. We were good friends and he acted like I didn't exist. We eventually figured out that Tashina had started all this, and resolved everything. But the thing is me and Kurt have never been the same. We wave and say hi, but no more hour long chat like the old times.

Then she started dating my ex, which you know I have to get over. But its not the face that they dated, it that she told him I was lying about something I could never possibly lie about. I don't want to go into that whole thing right now because I will just start crying.

So anyway. She texted me and apologized for everything she has ever done. I mean down to EVERYTHING! she didn't miss anything, which leads me to believe she really did feel bad and was sincerely sorry.I only had one question for her. Why me. Out of all the people in the world she could fuck over, why me?

She explained in detail.

She said right out. I was jealous of you. You seemed to have this perfect life. You are beautiful. You had a great boyfriend. And you have no enemy's, everyone liked you. Believe me everyone. I had to get in Spencer's head to start everything I started. You had perfect grades and a perfect lifestyle. I was just so jealous and I wanted what you had. You just seemed so happy and I wasn't. You opened your heart to me and you didn't have to do that. I know I betrayed your trust and we will probably never be friends but I hope you can forgive me. My grandma beats me and I hate my life. That is not an excuse for what I did, because I had no right to do what I did. I wished that you would feel the pain I felt everyday. It was wrong of me because you were so nice to me and you let me in when no one else would give me a chance. I am truly sorry and I hope one day we will be friends.

That is what she sent. I didn't rephrase or anything. I wrote what she texted. She seems so genuine, so sincere. at first I wrote back really angry saying things I have wanted to say for such a long time. Then almost directly after my phone said message sent I wrote back apologizing for what I had just said. I felt so bad. But she said everything I was was true. Only it wasn't. She doesn't deserve to be beat by her grandma, or told that she is ugly and worthless to everyone who sees her. No one deserves that.

In the end I did forgive her. Honestly I do. I am still mad as hell about what she did. But I do forgive her. But what I think she really needs is to forgive herself and ask God forgiveness as well. I told her that if she ever needed someone to talk to I am here and I will always help her out. But I really don't think we will ever be friends. She hurt me so bad because we were friends. Because I did trust her. She betrayed that trust in the worst way. And it hurt that much more because I did help her out in the beginning.

Anyway that's the only major thing that happened today.

Final words from my day: Forgiveness can always be given, even in the worst situations, even when some don't deserve that forgiveness. It takes courage to forgive and honesty to mean it.

wait What?

So right away this morning my day started off TERRIBLE! My mom comes in and she asks me to put the dogs outside. So I do. Except for my moose of a dog Pumba (i was watching lion king when I named him). I let him stay in my room just because I haven't really been giving him that much attention lately. I felt bad so I let him stay in. But she got all pissy and yelled and then gave me a chore. Sweeping! GAWWW!!! I hate sweeping with a passion. I mean it wouldn't be so so bad if I didn't have to do it every frickin day. Which I do. There is something you need to know about my mom though. She is a MAJOR clean freak. Like if my house isn't like 100% spotless she has to clean everything all over again. I swear she spends 98.9% of her day cleaning.I am not even exaggerating when I say that.

Anyway. So I decide hey I'm in a bad mood already lets just make it worse. OK I didn't really think that, but you know when you are caught up in a moment and you just fire off at will. Well that's how it went. So she was like. I want you out of my house in two days. Of course I freak out. So I call my sister crying. She lives in Sacramento, asking if I can come stay with her for a couple days, because I know my mom will cool of she just needs time. Same thing happened with my sister. only I guess she cooled off really fast cuz she came home from the Blue Angel Air Show and everything was all hunky dory again. Yippee? you would think so right. So just to make sure that she isn't still pissy with me. I say "hey mom you want me to sweep now." and she is like "yea just let me wipe the counters first" which is great cuz that is always her response. So I'm guessing we are good again. WE are never good good. but we are at least on the same hemisphere of cranky now.

So I called, well texted, my sister back and was like I guess I'm not coming to sac after all, which is fine with her cuz she is stayin at her friend Orygen's house anyway.I love that kid, OK I love his cuteness. lol. He is the "chosen one" for the whole Buddhist society I guess. Which is way cool.Its like knowing a celeb. tight! lol He is a major brat though.

Then my mom is like no cell phones on Sundays. turn them all off. And of course I'm freaking on the inside because of Josh and Jaclyn and Brit. Which is two whole other stories I will get to in a sec. So I sneak my phone until she is in bed. I know bad Codyann. slap on the wrist slap on the wrist.

Brit texts me out of nowhere around four and she is like guess who I am hanging with these days. And of course Tasha already gave me the summary. Brit and Jaclyn have been hanging out with Lyle and Forrest again. Forrest is the dude in the hat.

Little background on that situation. I met Lyle and Forrest on my 17th birthday and I had a major thing for Lyle. hes a cutie how could I resist and I guess he was totally feelin me cuz he was like CHOCOLATE! I WANT THE CHOCOLATE OFF HER! lol..little bday tradition we have had for a while. anyway. Well it turns out Jaclyn cheated on her boyfriend at the time (Robert: sorry don't have or want a pic of him) With guess who Lyle. So Jesse her CURRENT! boyfriend, is like hey I don't care if you hang but I want to know about it. Which he has every right to know. I think. And Forrest is telling Brit how much he wants to be with her and how he loves her, and the two have never even dated and of course she isn't going to listen to me and Tasha's advice because she has this dildo cooing in her ear. Anyway. So Jaclyn and Brit are hanging with them and they call Tasha. They are like can you have Cory(the dude right there <--) cover for us because we don't want Jesse and Christina to know we are hanging with them. I think that is SO fucked up. if you love someone why hide things from them. Especially bfs! anyway so Brit asks me her opinion and I tell he exactly how I feel and she tells Jaclyn and Jaclyn is like you don't know the whole situation and you are always judging us and you don't have to do that. and I'm like I told Brit I didn't want to give my input because I knew she wouldn't like it and we would end up fighting. which is exactly what happened. So those two aren't speaking to me now. I mean I understand Jaclyn's point of view but she should be mad at Brit. That convo wasn't between me and her it was between me and Brit. Oh well we always stop talking for a couple days and it will be all better in like 3 days. I don't think I was in the wrong at all. Considering Brit is the one who asked for my opinion in the first place. Even after I said it would lead to a fight. She risked it, but then again so did I.

Then Josh sends me this text, saying I am one of the best friends he has and he is going to miss me and he is moving away pretty soon and he hopes I have good luck in the future and he loves me and he will always love me. So I am freaking out thinking he is saying good bye to me or something, so I text him freaking out saying hey dude whats wrong are you OK. he didn't text back so I texted again. still no answer. I email. Then he texts me saying he is staying with our friend Shawn because there is drama at his house and he doesn't want to be there and he does have good cell service so it takes him a bit to text back..lol. So I tell him to disregard the email. Cuz It was like saying if your saying good bye then come do it in person. I love you and I cant have you slipping away again. you are like a best friend to me now. You cant just pop in and out of my life so if this is a good bye then please come do it in person. So i hope he doesn't read it, bu he probably will anyway. Ha. Oh well I'm and prepared for his write back.

Then I tried to call Tasha but she is sick. sadness. Because she is like the only one who knows the way my head works. and so I know this blog may be a bit confusing but its because I didn't get to sort out all my thoughts and file them all pretty in my head like I usually do with Tasha because when I called her mom was like she is sleeping. Its he moms birthday um..34 minutes ago...lol..so today. and so I told her I loved her and happy birthday and yeah. Told her to tell Tasha I love her and to have her call or text when she feels better.

Final words from my day: Sort your head b4 you blog it out. Jeez sorry for the verbal spew..my bad..I blame Tasha lol..jk jk.

So high?

My name is Codyann and I have had the most terrible day. I said my name because a name is not who you are but who you choose to be. My name is not my real name it is the name I go by. I dont know where that fits in I just felt the need to say that. :)

I have had days when I am way to out of it to even think straight, days when all I want to do is sleep until I have the strength to get up and live life. Today was a day that didnt need to happen, but it did. It was a pointless day that wasnt worth my time. I wanted to stay in bed all day. I felt like crying, but I have no tears to cry.

Have you ever had a time in your life when you just have to let everything out, and you do it by crying, but when all the tears are gone all you have is the hurt. The fear. The pain. The anger. The Sadness. The worthlessness.

Today my life seemed as if it wouldnt mattered if I feel of the face of the earth. No one would care. And it strated out with the simplest of things that shouldnt even matter, but for some reason it does. I woke up and turned my phone on as I do every morning. Usually I wake up and I have four or five text messages from friends. Today I had none. I felt wierd about it, but I thought hey no biggy its saturday they are probably sleeping in. Hours past and still no one wrote.

No emails. No IMs. I feel that my life is not what it needs to be. And I hate having these feelings of being incomplete. I wish that there was something or someone who could fill these holes that I have, but nothing seems to work. I want my dad. and I wand my brothers and my sisters. And I want my mom. I mean I live with her but we arent close. We dont have a good relationship and the sad thing is neither of us want to try.

Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and have evrything be ok when I open them up again. How can I feel this way when I have so much love surrounding me. I mean look at my family..ok so its just me and some of my brothers and sisters. But we all look happy..even though that day I was so pissed off I wanted to jut blow up..but I love them. And I know they love me. How could they be here and my life still be so incomplete. It doesnt make any sense to me. I miss being a little kid.

I have amazing friends and granted we do some stupid things when we get together we always pull through it because we are there for each other.

Look at me and my best friend,(I am in the red). Tasha(BooBoo Bear) is my best friend. I love her to death. When she is around I am happy. I just wish she couldbe around all the time. So I would never be unhappy. I wish that we could just take all the plans we have made and follow through on them. We have only been friends for about 4 yeras but those four years have been a lifetime of fun. and I will never ever regret anything we have gone through. She has changed me for the better. I love her with all my heart. I guess the saying "God made us best friends because our parents couldnt handle us as sisters" is really true in our case.

Oh and I decided that my blogs would be sooooo much better with a visual of who these people are. so here are a few of the people I have mentioned in my blogs. Just let me know if I have missed any of them.

This is LyleThis is Jaclyn

This is PaulThis is Tasha (BooBoo Bear)This is Brittany(Brit)This is Christina(Trixy)The guy is Garth and the chick is TrixyThis is Josh

Then we have the drama that happened the night Josh and Tasha came over. I never really explained that one so my last post was probably confusing. So I was talking to Josh and out of nowhere he is like "I want to kick Trixy's(Christina) bf's ass." I was like why and he said that he was texting Trixy and I guess Garth had her phone cuz he wrote Josh and was like "I'm going to find you and kick your ass if you text my girl again." First off we have been friends with Josh for way longer than we have know Garth! So Josh wanted a picture of Garth, so I sent him one, which I admit I had no place doing and I apologized to Trixy for that. I know I was in the wrong for that, but seriously Garth has no right telling Trixy she cant talk to Josh. So me and Trixy get in this huge arguement over text and stop talking for a few hours. Until she texts me saying sorry but Josh is an ass hole cuz he just call Tasha a slut. I was like WTF! so I asked Josh and he showed me a text but he was totally kidding when he said it Brit and Trixy and Jaclyn just were taking it way too seriously, even after Josh was like hey Im totally joking. He showed Tasha ad she was laughing. She knows he was just kidding be they all took it WAY too seriously and I get the feeling the only reason Trixy is even mad is because Garth is mad. GOSH!!!

I hate drama! I am gonna go to bed now. I have cried all the tears I can cry, I have yelled at myself to the point where my throat hurts and my sisters think im crazy. I hav so much mor eto say, but it can wait til my next blog. I am just so ready for this stupid day to be over.

Final words from my day: sometimes you need a day to cry

Not feeling Up to Life anymore

So I have never met my dad. and the other night I woke up in the middle of the night crying because I wanted my dad. Is that norman considering I have never met the man. I have always wondered wat he was like. If I look like him..What he smells like. what color his hair is. His eyes? I just dont think it is right for my mom to have not told him about me.

Final words of my day: Fathers deserve to know they have a child.

Just some Missed moments...

This is me when I was a kid. I love this picture because it reminds me that everyone has a kid hidden somewhere inside them. Even though some have them hidden deep deep deep down inside. But you know its still there. Its kind of funy to se how I have grown. Anyway just wanted a little flash back moment.

So today was good i guess. I finally got a full day off. lol..that almost never happens. Usually something comes up and I have to work. Lame. but yeah.

Suprisingly I am pretty tired. I am not sure why but Im not ready to sleep yet. I am kind of thinking about Josh.

So he made a comment that he didnt understand why a guy couldnt just hang with a girl and be just friends, why they had to be dating. So im kind of thinking that he just wants to be friends with me. And I think I might be fine with that. I always get too caught up in a guy thinking we might get together and usually it doesnt happen. But hey, one day it will hapen for me and I will be so happy that I wont even think twice about being sad about oll the Josh's and Paul's in my life. I am really going to try not to get to worked up about it.

HA I say that now. But we all know that I will probably still think about them. I just wont get too worked up about it. so yup..yup. awww..

Ok so look at me now. I have changed so much and I dont always like it sometimes. I can be good..but I am bad a lot of the time to. I drink and I smoke and I party. But I havea good heart.

Final words from my day: Dont let the child inside you hide from your heart. Most of the good things about a person come from the child parts inside you.

Life of The dull And confused

holy moses...lol

today was hard. I worked all day. and its monday..grrr..

SIMON IS GONE!!! I AM SO FUCKIN HAPPY I MIGHT JUST GO DO CARTWHEELS ON THE HIGHWAY!!!

ok maybe not..for two reasons: 1. I dont know how..lol and 2. I dont wanna die yet..lol

aww sweet silence...

oh the band Theory Of A Deadman is the shiz. Dont care who you are..you gotta listen to Not Meant To Be. Love that song..

soooo tired...night

final words from my day: I dont know who said ignorance is bliss...DUDE! silence and shut eyelids and sweet dreams of sexy boys s bliss..lol

whoopsy

well Josh and Tasha are coming to my house tonight yay..

today has been short..

not much has happened.
Christina is mad at me for showing Josh a picture of Garth.
Oh well she will live. Her boyfriend is an ass hole anyway.

Final words from my short day...

Its not such a big deal..so dont turn it into one.