when Will what I want Finally matter?

today was one of those days when what you want really just seems to float around in every one's head, but they don't really care. Or at least that is what it felt like. I would like to think I am a good person and everyone would like me. But this is most definitely not the case.

today I thought a lot about the girl who completely turned my life upside down twice. Her name is Tashina. I used to want to hurt this girl because of how bad she hurt me. But I cant hold that anger inside me forever, i need to forgive her. Which is what I did when she texted me out of nowhere and apologized.

First off I don't know how she got my number, so she had to have gone out of her way to find it considering we haven't been friends for a very long time. Maybe a back round story on this one would make sense.

I met her when she transferred to my school in my sophmore year. She had no friends and didn't know anyone. Me being the person I am, introduced myself and all of my friends. I have regretted it ever since. We started out cool, but two weeks after the introductions she stated talking about me behind my bad. Saying cruel things to people I was really good friends with. One particular person in general, Kurt. My love at first sight man. She told him that I wanted to beat his at the time girlfriend Spencer's ass. Which is so not true, yes I was a tad bit jealous of her, i mean she was with the guy I couldn't stop thinking about. The guy I saw and my heart skipped a beat. But I figured I would rather be friends than nothing so I got to know Spencer and she turned out to be really cool. But when Tashina went to her saying all those things we sorta stopped talking. Which wasn't that sad on the Spencer side, but Kurt wouldn't even look at me. We were good friends and he acted like I didn't exist. We eventually figured out that Tashina had started all this, and resolved everything. But the thing is me and Kurt have never been the same. We wave and say hi, but no more hour long chat like the old times.

Then she started dating my ex, which you know I have to get over. But its not the face that they dated, it that she told him I was lying about something I could never possibly lie about. I don't want to go into that whole thing right now because I will just start crying.

So anyway. She texted me and apologized for everything she has ever done. I mean down to EVERYTHING! she didn't miss anything, which leads me to believe she really did feel bad and was sincerely sorry.I only had one question for her. Why me. Out of all the people in the world she could fuck over, why me?

She explained in detail.

She said right out. I was jealous of you. You seemed to have this perfect life. You are beautiful. You had a great boyfriend. And you have no enemy's, everyone liked you. Believe me everyone. I had to get in Spencer's head to start everything I started. You had perfect grades and a perfect lifestyle. I was just so jealous and I wanted what you had. You just seemed so happy and I wasn't. You opened your heart to me and you didn't have to do that. I know I betrayed your trust and we will probably never be friends but I hope you can forgive me. My grandma beats me and I hate my life. That is not an excuse for what I did, because I had no right to do what I did. I wished that you would feel the pain I felt everyday. It was wrong of me because you were so nice to me and you let me in when no one else would give me a chance. I am truly sorry and I hope one day we will be friends.

That is what she sent. I didn't rephrase or anything. I wrote what she texted. She seems so genuine, so sincere. at first I wrote back really angry saying things I have wanted to say for such a long time. Then almost directly after my phone said message sent I wrote back apologizing for what I had just said. I felt so bad. But she said everything I was was true. Only it wasn't. She doesn't deserve to be beat by her grandma, or told that she is ugly and worthless to everyone who sees her. No one deserves that.

In the end I did forgive her. Honestly I do. I am still mad as hell about what she did. But I do forgive her. But what I think she really needs is to forgive herself and ask God forgiveness as well. I told her that if she ever needed someone to talk to I am here and I will always help her out. But I really don't think we will ever be friends. She hurt me so bad because we were friends. Because I did trust her. She betrayed that trust in the worst way. And it hurt that much more because I did help her out in the beginning.

Anyway that's the only major thing that happened today.

Final words from my day: Forgiveness can always be given, even in the worst situations, even when some don't deserve that forgiveness. It takes courage to forgive and honesty to mean it.

wait What?

So right away this morning my day started off TERRIBLE! My mom comes in and she asks me to put the dogs outside. So I do. Except for my moose of a dog Pumba (i was watching lion king when I named him). I let him stay in my room just because I haven't really been giving him that much attention lately. I felt bad so I let him stay in. But she got all pissy and yelled and then gave me a chore. Sweeping! GAWWW!!! I hate sweeping with a passion. I mean it wouldn't be so so bad if I didn't have to do it every frickin day. Which I do. There is something you need to know about my mom though. She is a MAJOR clean freak. Like if my house isn't like 100% spotless she has to clean everything all over again. I swear she spends 98.9% of her day cleaning.I am not even exaggerating when I say that.

Anyway. So I decide hey I'm in a bad mood already lets just make it worse. OK I didn't really think that, but you know when you are caught up in a moment and you just fire off at will. Well that's how it went. So she was like. I want you out of my house in two days. Of course I freak out. So I call my sister crying. She lives in Sacramento, asking if I can come stay with her for a couple days, because I know my mom will cool of she just needs time. Same thing happened with my sister. only I guess she cooled off really fast cuz she came home from the Blue Angel Air Show and everything was all hunky dory again. Yippee? you would think so right. So just to make sure that she isn't still pissy with me. I say "hey mom you want me to sweep now." and she is like "yea just let me wipe the counters first" which is great cuz that is always her response. So I'm guessing we are good again. WE are never good good. but we are at least on the same hemisphere of cranky now.

So I called, well texted, my sister back and was like I guess I'm not coming to sac after all, which is fine with her cuz she is stayin at her friend Orygen's house anyway.I love that kid, OK I love his cuteness. lol. He is the "chosen one" for the whole Buddhist society I guess. Which is way cool.Its like knowing a celeb. tight! lol He is a major brat though.

Then my mom is like no cell phones on Sundays. turn them all off. And of course I'm freaking on the inside because of Josh and Jaclyn and Brit. Which is two whole other stories I will get to in a sec. So I sneak my phone until she is in bed. I know bad Codyann. slap on the wrist slap on the wrist.

Brit texts me out of nowhere around four and she is like guess who I am hanging with these days. And of course Tasha already gave me the summary. Brit and Jaclyn have been hanging out with Lyle and Forrest again. Forrest is the dude in the hat.

Little background on that situation. I met Lyle and Forrest on my 17th birthday and I had a major thing for Lyle. hes a cutie how could I resist and I guess he was totally feelin me cuz he was like CHOCOLATE! I WANT THE CHOCOLATE OFF HER! lol..little bday tradition we have had for a while. anyway. Well it turns out Jaclyn cheated on her boyfriend at the time (Robert: sorry don't have or want a pic of him) With guess who Lyle. So Jesse her CURRENT! boyfriend, is like hey I don't care if you hang but I want to know about it. Which he has every right to know. I think. And Forrest is telling Brit how much he wants to be with her and how he loves her, and the two have never even dated and of course she isn't going to listen to me and Tasha's advice because she has this dildo cooing in her ear. Anyway. So Jaclyn and Brit are hanging with them and they call Tasha. They are like can you have Cory(the dude right there <--) cover for us because we don't want Jesse and Christina to know we are hanging with them. I think that is SO fucked up. if you love someone why hide things from them. Especially bfs! anyway so Brit asks me her opinion and I tell he exactly how I feel and she tells Jaclyn and Jaclyn is like you don't know the whole situation and you are always judging us and you don't have to do that. and I'm like I told Brit I didn't want to give my input because I knew she wouldn't like it and we would end up fighting. which is exactly what happened. So those two aren't speaking to me now. I mean I understand Jaclyn's point of view but she should be mad at Brit. That convo wasn't between me and her it was between me and Brit. Oh well we always stop talking for a couple days and it will be all better in like 3 days. I don't think I was in the wrong at all. Considering Brit is the one who asked for my opinion in the first place. Even after I said it would lead to a fight. She risked it, but then again so did I.

Then Josh sends me this text, saying I am one of the best friends he has and he is going to miss me and he is moving away pretty soon and he hopes I have good luck in the future and he loves me and he will always love me. So I am freaking out thinking he is saying good bye to me or something, so I text him freaking out saying hey dude whats wrong are you OK. he didn't text back so I texted again. still no answer. I email. Then he texts me saying he is staying with our friend Shawn because there is drama at his house and he doesn't want to be there and he does have good cell service so it takes him a bit to text back..lol. So I tell him to disregard the email. Cuz It was like saying if your saying good bye then come do it in person. I love you and I cant have you slipping away again. you are like a best friend to me now. You cant just pop in and out of my life so if this is a good bye then please come do it in person. So i hope he doesn't read it, bu he probably will anyway. Ha. Oh well I'm and prepared for his write back.

Then I tried to call Tasha but she is sick. sadness. Because she is like the only one who knows the way my head works. and so I know this blog may be a bit confusing but its because I didn't get to sort out all my thoughts and file them all pretty in my head like I usually do with Tasha because when I called her mom was like she is sleeping. Its he moms birthday um..34 minutes ago...lol..so today. and so I told her I loved her and happy birthday and yeah. Told her to tell Tasha I love her and to have her call or text when she feels better.

Final words from my day: Sort your head b4 you blog it out. Jeez sorry for the verbal spew..my bad..I blame Tasha lol..jk jk.

So high?

My name is Codyann and I have had the most terrible day. I said my name because a name is not who you are but who you choose to be. My name is not my real name it is the name I go by. I dont know where that fits in I just felt the need to say that. :)

I have had days when I am way to out of it to even think straight, days when all I want to do is sleep until I have the strength to get up and live life. Today was a day that didnt need to happen, but it did. It was a pointless day that wasnt worth my time. I wanted to stay in bed all day. I felt like crying, but I have no tears to cry.

Have you ever had a time in your life when you just have to let everything out, and you do it by crying, but when all the tears are gone all you have is the hurt. The fear. The pain. The anger. The Sadness. The worthlessness.

Today my life seemed as if it wouldnt mattered if I feel of the face of the earth. No one would care. And it strated out with the simplest of things that shouldnt even matter, but for some reason it does. I woke up and turned my phone on as I do every morning. Usually I wake up and I have four or five text messages from friends. Today I had none. I felt wierd about it, but I thought hey no biggy its saturday they are probably sleeping in. Hours past and still no one wrote.

No emails. No IMs. I feel that my life is not what it needs to be. And I hate having these feelings of being incomplete. I wish that there was something or someone who could fill these holes that I have, but nothing seems to work. I want my dad. and I wand my brothers and my sisters. And I want my mom. I mean I live with her but we arent close. We dont have a good relationship and the sad thing is neither of us want to try.

Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and have evrything be ok when I open them up again. How can I feel this way when I have so much love surrounding me. I mean look at my family..ok so its just me and some of my brothers and sisters. But we all look happy..even though that day I was so pissed off I wanted to jut blow up..but I love them. And I know they love me. How could they be here and my life still be so incomplete. It doesnt make any sense to me. I miss being a little kid.

I have amazing friends and granted we do some stupid things when we get together we always pull through it because we are there for each other.

Look at me and my best friend,(I am in the red). Tasha(BooBoo Bear) is my best friend. I love her to death. When she is around I am happy. I just wish she couldbe around all the time. So I would never be unhappy. I wish that we could just take all the plans we have made and follow through on them. We have only been friends for about 4 yeras but those four years have been a lifetime of fun. and I will never ever regret anything we have gone through. She has changed me for the better. I love her with all my heart. I guess the saying "God made us best friends because our parents couldnt handle us as sisters" is really true in our case.

Oh and I decided that my blogs would be sooooo much better with a visual of who these people are. so here are a few of the people I have mentioned in my blogs. Just let me know if I have missed any of them.

This is LyleThis is Jaclyn

This is PaulThis is Tasha (BooBoo Bear)This is Brittany(Brit)This is Christina(Trixy)The guy is Garth and the chick is TrixyThis is Josh

Then we have the drama that happened the night Josh and Tasha came over. I never really explained that one so my last post was probably confusing. So I was talking to Josh and out of nowhere he is like "I want to kick Trixy's(Christina) bf's ass." I was like why and he said that he was texting Trixy and I guess Garth had her phone cuz he wrote Josh and was like "I'm going to find you and kick your ass if you text my girl again." First off we have been friends with Josh for way longer than we have know Garth! So Josh wanted a picture of Garth, so I sent him one, which I admit I had no place doing and I apologized to Trixy for that. I know I was in the wrong for that, but seriously Garth has no right telling Trixy she cant talk to Josh. So me and Trixy get in this huge arguement over text and stop talking for a few hours. Until she texts me saying sorry but Josh is an ass hole cuz he just call Tasha a slut. I was like WTF! so I asked Josh and he showed me a text but he was totally kidding when he said it Brit and Trixy and Jaclyn just were taking it way too seriously, even after Josh was like hey Im totally joking. He showed Tasha ad she was laughing. She knows he was just kidding be they all took it WAY too seriously and I get the feeling the only reason Trixy is even mad is because Garth is mad. GOSH!!!

I hate drama! I am gonna go to bed now. I have cried all the tears I can cry, I have yelled at myself to the point where my throat hurts and my sisters think im crazy. I hav so much mor eto say, but it can wait til my next blog. I am just so ready for this stupid day to be over.

Final words from my day: sometimes you need a day to cry

Not feeling Up to Life anymore

So I have never met my dad. and the other night I woke up in the middle of the night crying because I wanted my dad. Is that norman considering I have never met the man. I have always wondered wat he was like. If I look like him..What he smells like. what color his hair is. His eyes? I just dont think it is right for my mom to have not told him about me.

Final words of my day: Fathers deserve to know they have a child.

Just some Missed moments...

This is me when I was a kid. I love this picture because it reminds me that everyone has a kid hidden somewhere inside them. Even though some have them hidden deep deep deep down inside. But you know its still there. Its kind of funy to se how I have grown. Anyway just wanted a little flash back moment.

So today was good i guess. I finally got a full day off. lol..that almost never happens. Usually something comes up and I have to work. Lame. but yeah.

Suprisingly I am pretty tired. I am not sure why but Im not ready to sleep yet. I am kind of thinking about Josh.

So he made a comment that he didnt understand why a guy couldnt just hang with a girl and be just friends, why they had to be dating. So im kind of thinking that he just wants to be friends with me. And I think I might be fine with that. I always get too caught up in a guy thinking we might get together and usually it doesnt happen. But hey, one day it will hapen for me and I will be so happy that I wont even think twice about being sad about oll the Josh's and Paul's in my life. I am really going to try not to get to worked up about it.

HA I say that now. But we all know that I will probably still think about them. I just wont get too worked up about it. so yup..yup. awww..

Ok so look at me now. I have changed so much and I dont always like it sometimes. I can be good..but I am bad a lot of the time to. I drink and I smoke and I party. But I havea good heart.

Final words from my day: Dont let the child inside you hide from your heart. Most of the good things about a person come from the child parts inside you.

Life of The dull And confused

holy moses...lol

today was hard. I worked all day. and its monday..grrr..

SIMON IS GONE!!! I AM SO FUCKIN HAPPY I MIGHT JUST GO DO CARTWHEELS ON THE HIGHWAY!!!

ok maybe not..for two reasons: 1. I dont know how..lol and 2. I dont wanna die yet..lol

aww sweet silence...

oh the band Theory Of A Deadman is the shiz. Dont care who you are..you gotta listen to Not Meant To Be. Love that song..

soooo tired...night

final words from my day: I dont know who said ignorance is bliss...DUDE! silence and shut eyelids and sweet dreams of sexy boys s bliss..lol

whoopsy

well Josh and Tasha are coming to my house tonight yay..

today has been short..

not much has happened.
Christina is mad at me for showing Josh a picture of Garth.
Oh well she will live. Her boyfriend is an ass hole anyway.

Final words from my short day...

Its not such a big deal..so dont turn it into one.

One of Those dayz?

sometimes I think about how horrible my day is going, or how long it is, or just..well..about evrything that has gone wrong, all in one day. Well today was a mixture of bad and good, and honestly I am exhausted, but I must blog the readers... :)

So to start it off I woke up at 2:30 this morning to my dog trying to attack my cat. They have always gotten along, and just these past couple weeks Pumba(my dog) has been the biggest ass to George(my cat). I dont know what is problem is but he has been a jerk to all the animals lately. Not just George.

Then I got woken up again by my mom, who by the way does open doors she throws them, saying that she had to leave so I had to work today..Lame considering I get tuesdays, thursdays and weekends off unless she goes out of town on saturday for my sisters cheer meets. But I was supposed to have today off because I worked yesterday, due to my mom being a blonde and forgetting that she had an appointment that was only supposed to last an hour..yea right..with her an hour is 4 hours like 5 minutes can turn into 2 hours. Im not exaggerating. My mom runs an in home 24/7 daycare. So my house is never peaceful. But yeah so I worked today. Not getting much sleep last night because I thought I would have today off, I stayed up late.

Then Simon came home, which automatically ut me in a fussy mood because he thinks he just Mr. High and Mighty and everyone should clean up and cook for him and dinner has to be done when he gets back from practice or we are terrible people. Its whatever now cuz guess what. just guess..ok dont guess I'll just tell you. He is going to be gone by sunday!!! so freakin happy. Anyway back to the reason I was mad at him even more today. So he goes into the kitchen, leaves the fridge open, leave the sink running, and a mess on the counter. We in this house have a rule, open it close, mess it up clean it up, turn it on turn it. Simple right. I guess not for him. Then he goes into the living room and starts eating on the couch! Not allowed unless the table is full of daycare kids, which it wasnt because half were with my mom somewhere and then some in the playroom and some takin a nap. Then he decided that he had to leave. Fine by me, only he left a knife sitting on the floor. Any one of those little kids could have gotten to it and really hurt themselves. WHAT KIND IF MORON LEAVES A KNIFE ON THE FLOOR AROUND KIDS!!! GOSH!!! Plus he made a huge mess n the couch and since my mom was gone I had to clean it up. He comes back and I tell him that he shouldnt eave knifes on the floor because of the kids and he had the nerve to say, "little children should learn to not touch what is not theirs. They need disipline and maybe knife will teach that." WAT A RETARD! Stupid. I tried to keep my cool, so I went outside and screamed really loud! AHHHH! jeeze. Anyway happier cuz no one in california or anywhere near california wants to take him and the only available place is in, wait for it, ALASKA!!!! HELL FUCKIN YEA!!!

aww so happy. oh and I have to work tomorrow. but starting at 3 and only for a bit cuz my moms other workin is comin in she just has to go watch her boys game then she will be here..yippie!

So sorry for that uhh language. Im gonna go sleep. So tired.. :)

Final words of the day..

Knives ARE NOT a lesson to be learned..they are for cutting! Not little children who dont know any better because they barely know how to CRAWL!!!

Not too Sure yet?!?

I find myself thinking about Eric alot lately. I got into my mode where I have to go through everything and clean it even if it isnt messy. I always do that when i think of Eric. I dont know why, it just happens, every single frinkin time. but on the plus side my mom didnt have to scream at me to clean my room because when she came to yell at me about it, it was all shiny. It comes down to this. I still love Eric, and I probably always will, but no matter how much I love him, I cant get back together with him. I gave him a second chance and he blew it out of the water with a frickin bomb. Love hurts sometimes. And I wil have to get used to that. No matter how much I want to believe that he really cared for me, I know that all he really wanted was someone to have sex with, and that is so not cool with me. I just wish I would have known that when I was with him. I have this way of falling for guys I know arent good for me. Eric isnt the first.

Lets take a trip down memory lane shall we..

First there is my first ever boyfriend, from way back in preschool..lol..Israel. He was my first love lol. Well he was my first puppy love anyway. I will never forget that firey red hair. He was also my first kiss. Wow I miss that kid lol.

Then Christian, boy was that a mistake. In the beginning he was wonderful, and he spoiled me that was a major plus. Not that I'm a gold digger, just sayin I didnt mind. Everytime he did something to upset me he would fix it with buyng something for me. Thats when I started noticing the change in him. He would get so rough and then one day he grabbed my hand and twisted it. But of course I didnt think anything of it because I thought that was normal. So not normal. I know that now. One day he just hit me, out of no where I guess I said something to upset him. Im so happy that my friend Phil was there to see that, because no one else ever believed me, because Christian was just such a nice guy. Im not even the one who broke it off with him, my friend Vanessa did it because I was too afraid to go near him.

Then we have Eric and he hit me once and that killed our relationship. That was his second chance. The first he blew by cheating on me. With someone who was supposed to be his sister. Yuck!

Kurt was awesome. I could have swan in those beautiful grey blue eyes..mmmm. so gorgeous. I loved his eyes. In a way I think I loved him, or it was just a really really big crush. I never got him though. It was shawna then spencer and wat really sucks about that, is that I could have had him. Its just that Tashina had to go and fuck it up by tellin lies and spreadin rumors and now me and Kurt dont even talk. We used to be like best friends. Now we see each other, wave, and pass on. Goes to show that everything has its good and rough times, only the ones that are meant to go through really do. and I guess that some friendships are meant to end.

Chance, well Chance was really spontaneous. He was a small crush that got lit up and pushed forward. It lasted a short time and I dont regret anything that happened.

and finally we have Lyle..one night stand..nuff said.

Paul is a mega crush as well as Josh. Paul is illegal considering im 18 but everyone says age shouldnt matter, but it kind of does. With both of us. and Tiffany stands in the way of his sexy self. And Josh is just not gonna tell me how he feels anytime soon. Yippie for me.

I need to find a guy. Or maybe I should just occupy myself and stay single till some amazing guy comes through. It could happen right?

A few months ago my best friends grandpa past away and I miss him alot. When I moved there they all welcomed me like I was family. And then a few days ago KCs mom past on. I feel so terrible about it. And I cant do anything to change the fact that they ae both gone, and they wont be back. But I will keep them in my heart.

Final words from my day...Bless the time you have with the ones you cherish, you never know when it will all end, or someone will suddenly pass away. R.I.P Mamma Wiseman and Grandpa Lawsen you will never be forgotten.

some hope

today I talked to Josh and asked him why he has been so distant with his feelings. He said that even though he is the one who broke up with Sarah (his pyscho ex) that he still cares for her. I know how he feels because I miss Eric like that all the time..but him and Sarah are more recent and they were together longer than me and Eric. I guess I just need to sit back and let it play out how it wants to. I cant force him to want me like I want him. And I would rather stay friends with him than push the issue and end up fighting. GAHHH!!!

I am excited for spring break. Its days away but I cant wait. Me and Tasha (my best friend) are planning a trip just the two of us for that week..SO EXCITED!! We dont know where we are going yet but we just know we want to get away. I called her crying the other day because everything was coming at me all at once. I was fighting with my mom and my sister. I was worried about my other best friend Cory because his aunt just dyed. And KC, Cory's cousin, is like a big brother to me, I havent seen either of them in such a long time. I tried calling Cory but I guess his phone is disconnected. Which worries me even more because he always pays his bill. I feel like im being cut off from everyone I love most.

Things will get better soon I hope. Its like people say, you have to get through the bad times before you get to the good because you wont know if its good unless you've experienced the bad.

I just bough the move Cast Away. I wonder what it would be like to be stranded on an island with everyone thinking you were dead. Your only friend being a vollyball. That would be so sad. To be secluded like that. I would hate it. Especially because I cant go one day without talking to Tasha. I remember when I lost my voice, it was so bad. I couldnt even whisper, cuz you couldnt hear it. everyone thought it was funny, even I thought it was funny. Then when I had to give a speech I was laughing so hard, of course you couldnt hear it, but like no one understood a word I was trying to say. Anyway back to the point. That was such a good movie, really sad ending.

I miss Colorado sometimes. Im thing about moving back there.

well im out..love to all of you

final words from my day: not everything is meant to be, if you let it go and it comes back, you know that it is.

Jeemany Christmas

so we are houseing these two foreign exchange boys. One from Thailand and the other from Germany. Simon is from Germany and I just want to hurt him sometimes. So I was changing in m roo today and he just walks in. Doesnt even knock. How rude. Then later that day I was sleeping cuz I had just got back from the eye doctors and my head hurt pretty bad and when I woke up he was just staring at me. Kinda creepy. So I told my mom and she said that she put in a request to have him transfered to another house or just sent back to Germany. Either way im glad he is leaving. Maybe I sounf like a royal bitch for wanting him gone but I for one like my privacy andfeeling comfortable in my own home.

I went to the eye doctor today because I kept getting head aches when I read or watch a movie or something. The doctor said the I have to get reading glasses and maybe contacts to wear all the time because the glasses I would need to wear al the time would give me a head ache becuse of the two different size lences. Which is cool. I mean Im a book worm and there is no way in hell I am giving up reading just because my eyes decided they want to be retarded.

I went to Barnes and Noble today and got the final book in the Saga I am reading. Night World. I love those books. I love the author. She is one of my favorites. L.J. Smith. Such a wonderful author. My other favorite author is Lurlene McDaniel. She is a really inspiring author. While I am on the topic of books. I find it kind of strange that most of my friends would rather smoke pot that read a verse from the bible. Maybe that is just me, but teenagers these days are really strange. I mean I myself skip somenights, just because I am tried and forget, but Ihave friends who dont even own a bible.

Im kinda ready to give up on Josh. I mean I like him soooo much but he is sending me so many mixed signals. And today I got a text from him saying if you could ask me one question what would it be, I asked him Why are you so mysterious about your feelings. He was like what are you talking about. I said well when ever I tell you how I feel about you, you just say you never know what can happen. He said well someday might just tel you, you never know. GOSH! so frustrated. Or maybe my patients is just really low today because of Simon. I dont want to be the kind of girl that obsesses over a guy until she has him or he gets with someone else and them im heartbroken. Im not saying im obsessed with him, im just saying I think about him alot.

So im really tired and i have to go to the store and buy a lock for my door tomorrow cuz I dont know exactly when Simon will be leaving.

Final words of wisdom my my long day: Dont wait around to know how someone feels about you..ask and who knows you may just get an answer, even if I didnt.

Josh can be so cute. I love it, but then its not a clear feeling im getting. Like he is a major flirt, but maybe that is all he is doing. Flirting.

I went and saw a movie tonight. Time Traveler's Wife. It was really good. Kinda slow to start btu it was funny and I had a good time..Girls went to one movie boys to another.

We are sending Simon back to Germany. He is being such a jerk and he doesnt know what the word privacy means. Lucky on the other hand is so awesome. He is funny and heunderstands that he has to do what we do because that s the whole point of being a foreign exchane student right. To learn how to live in our culture. Simon jst isnt willing to do that. He doesnt even want to give it a try.

I am so tired. I am going to cut this one short. Iwill leave you with a message in my head.

Love is never fake, it doesnt have to make sense, or follow any rules. It just is what it is, and you cant choose when you fall.

Im stupid

ok so Josh is not making this any easier for me. When I tell him how I feel he says "you never know what can happen. everything can change in a second." Yes I know everything can change in a second, but what the hell am I supposed to do until it does change. Gosh Josh I like you so much and your killing me.

Today I finally let go and cried. I went to the bathroom to fix my hair and I just started balling. Is this what it has come to? Having to hide my sadness in the bathroom. Half the time I dont even know why im sad.

I told everyone today that Im not going back to trinity and a few people seemed sad. But the rest were just like ok you gotta do what makes you happy. I am happy they want me to do what I want, but I was kind of hoping a lot more people would protest and tell me I need to come back. Poor Chelsey she was so sad. I am really trying to find a way to go back I just dont see how it can be possible now that the Mill burnt down. All the businesses are going to want to hire people with experience. I have none. So where is my way out.

Maybe going to Colorado is the best thing for me right now. Tasha says she understands, and deep down I know she does, but she really doesnt want me to go. I dont want to leave her. This would be so much easier if I could just take her with me. And Brittany, I dont know what her problem is. Its like I try to be there for her but when I need her she doesnt want to hear anything I have to say. And Christina, well she is all wrapped up in Garth the I cant get through to her anyway.

Maybe I am just being overly dramatic, but hey we all have our moments. And we all get over them...right?

I'm not ready to give up on the people and the things I love. I am too awake right now and I don't think I can fall asleep with all these things in my head. First of all, why cant Eric just stop getting himself into stupid situations. Why does he have to make it so hard to trust him. I know he knows right from wrong, but its like he goes out of his way to screw up his life. I never thought that telling him the secret I had kept inside and away from him for two years would turn into no big deal to him. But it was a big deal to me. A very big deal. And then there is Kurt who has moved on, but you know what I don't really think about him that much anymore. I have new interests.

Paul is like a smile right when I wake up, he is like a hug when all you want to do is run away and hide. He makes me laugh and he always says the right thing at the right time. He is the breeze we all wait for on a hot summer day. But then there is Josh, and he is so..gosh I don't even have the words to describe how he makes me feel. Why do I get two great guys, and have to choose. I cant do it. But I have to and I think I have to choose the more logical one. Even if age isn't supposed to matter. Now that I am 18, Paul seems to be out of reach, considering he is only 15 turning 16. Yea not cool with the law right. I hate being 18, it doesn't really give me much more freedom than I had before. Anyway. Josh is 18 and well actually he is only one week older tan me. But that's not really the point I like them both and I don't want to have to choose. And Paul doesn't really show interest when we are in person, but then when we text its like whoa connection. And Josh, well we are just friends. After not talking for almost or maybe over a year..he just pops back into my life. And I know I like him.

Then I have school. Which I haven't started yet..I am a senior and I haven't started school yet. I think I should just go back to Colorado and do what I can there. I want to be away from all of this and everyone. I don't think I can handle anymore disappointment and right now that is all that is coming into my life. I am just going to sleep on the idea. I mean I have family out there, but the friends I have made here are way better than the life I left behind.

On another note. I want to find my dad. The man who doesn't know I exist. What could possibly go wrong? I will just have to pray to God for some answers. No one else seems to have any for me.