Still bein Watched

its probably a good thing they are watching me now

suicide Watch

my friends have pulled out their suicide watch faces. I cant handle bein watched like this. I might freak out. But I know they just have my best intentions at heart. In way I am glad. They are the only people keepin me here right now.

merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all!
I wish I was with Paul
I wish I had all my friends
I wish I could have all my family here
I wish I wasnt so sad on such a great day
I wish life would get better

I cant really figure anything out anymore. It is like I cant do anything right. And I cant have anything I want.
The one guy I fell in love with, gave my heart to, and just really let myself fall for..slept with someone who is my friend. I don't understand and I hate feeling like this so much. I almost killed myself because of him and those stupid skanks. I shouldn't be calling them skanks because they were at one point in time my best friends.
I know I am stupid and reckless but I don't deserve what they did to me because this time I can honestly say I did nothing wrong. I cant stand her boyfriend and she knows that so why the hell would she believe that I flirted with him. That's never even been a thought in y mind. I would NEVER do that to her. and she should know me well enough to know that. But I guess I'm just not worth keeping around. I guess it comes down to lies and deception and they all chose to shut me out. Fine by me at least now I know who the real good trustworthy people are in my life. I don't even know if people read this but I don't care either.
I miss him and I know he has a girlfriend and she is a sweet heart and that's probably why I feel so guilty. But when I talk to him I feel so much better. He talked me down from killing myself and I have no way to repay him but to stop flirting with him because I know that he wont choose me over her. And I don't want him to. I came in and screwed up his world not the other way around. And I know what I was doing is wrong. But you know something, now he knows how I feel and the ball is in his hands. If he wants me I am his in a heartbeat. If not I am happy just to have him as a friend. I go crazy when I don't get to talk to him and today I didn't at all. I have texted but I know that he probably just didn't wanna be bothered by me and all my stupid suicidal thoughts.
If anyone cares I am still here. And I still love him, but he fucked but. I still love those girls to death, but they fucked up worse. And I still hella like him but he has her and I have to accept that. I need to stop getting my hopes up thinking things are gonna change. Because from this point they aren't.

I am no longer friends with Jaclyn and Christina. They ruined that for themselves because I know I was a great friend. I was always there for them when they needed me even if I needed them more at the time. I brushed my problems aside to listen to what they had to say. And I cant do this thing with Eric anymore its like a dance that we have and my feet are tired. Its like life is a race and I am running it backwards and I have no way to win because the laps are going in the negative. I don't know if I am ready to say I wanna give up on Paul but I know he has her and I cant change that. I am not worth that.

Final words from my day. Suicide may not be the answer but it sure is running through my head alot.

Not so Fabulous

so im not much in the blogging mood tonight..i promise to do a super great one tomorrow.. :)

final words..i got none

Im sorry Im not Good enough For you

Im sorry it has boon so long since I have posted any blogs. I have ben going though so much and it probably would have helped to write something about it. So maybe I should fill all of you in.

Eric, the ex not the newby, recently started calling me. He wants to start over. Just as friends, but to tell you the truth I am scared beyond all belief. He was my everything and when I broke up with him he took a peice of my heart. He still has it and I dont know if I want it back or if I want him to be more careful and stop sticking needles in it. He said he still loves me and of course my dumb ass believes him. Why I dont know so dont ask cuz I cant tell you. Yesterday we got into a fight over the phone. Over something stupid and retarded. But I caught him in a lie and I called him on it and he didnt like it at all. He hung up on me and that was that. Then he called me today and acted like nothing even happened. I hate feeling that I am just here to amuse him.

Paul and I now have nicknames for each other. Its kinda funny and rediculous but I like it and honestly he has become one of my best friends since we have met. He is Penguin and I am Goose. Dont ask where they came from, its just a random thing that happened over text. Speaking of texting, I text him more than anyone else, we talk more than I talk to Tasha and she is my best friend. How can that be. I just get so happy when his name pops up and I get butterflies and goose bumps. I love it. But I hate it at the same time, because he knows exactly how I feel and I am left wondering how he feels. He is still with Tiffany but he seems so unhappy with her. Like I have to pull him out of sad moods after they fight, which is all the time. He said he likes talkin to me, and i love talkin to him. He makes me smile at the smallest things. And when I am around him he is just.... wow. thats the only way I can describe it.

I went to a halloween party at my friend KCs and Kurt was there. He got fat and I am actually kind of disgusted at how he is now. He has let himself go and I still think his eyes are the most beautiful things ive seen on this earth but beside that I dont think I am interested in him anymore. Strange how time can catch up with you and things and people you once knew are so alien to you now. I like it but I dont. I know im confusing, but who isnt.

Brittany is moving in with me. YAY! I am excited because when she is around my mom isnt so mean to me. We have this big plan to move out and get a place I hope that happens sooner than I am thinking its going to. But then I always want what I can have. I have been going out alot. drinking and smokin pot. I like the escape but I realize that the reality is still there waiting for me when I get of that high cloud im on. Im not onna say im going to stop, because I know im not, but I know I am going to slow down and take a breath. I need to. I cant live my life on a cloud anymore. It was good for a while, but somehow my life went down a path that I dont remember going down and its because I was so high up I couldnt see that I was crumbling.

I still want to fall asleep and not wake up, but other than that I am just numb to the world. I see now that I am important when people I dont even know write me and say I am impoartant. You know who you are, and I thank you because I was at the point of not caring that I needed to slow down. So thank you and you really encouraged me to keep writing. It helps to know that people are actually listening.

Ashleigh is getting out of Juve soon. I am the only one that knows the date. I want to go pick her up. I almost gaveup on my drawing but she kicked my butt back into shape when I told her that. lol..guess I should post some of my work for you all to see. Most of it is gloomy but what can I say they follow my mood.

Final words of my day: sometime you need to float down from the cloud youve been on to realize that life doesnt go away when you get lost.

So fucking Mad

ok I am so mad..like I dont even know if I have enough words in my being to say how mad I am right now. I had a chance to go back to my old school, and my mom didnt tell me about it. She knew how happy it would make me to go back there, but no for her own fucking selfish reasons she didnt say one word to me. Then when I just found out and confronted her, she was like your gonna do what I want you to do because you live under my roof. WHAT THE HELL!!! I thought your parents were supposed to support your wants and she just wont. She cant handle that I am not her and I never want to be her or anything like her. EVER! I swear I want to hurt her so bad right now. I know that this wll probably fade, but rightnow I am so mad I could punch someone. Thats all im say..

Final words from my Day: FUCK HER AND ALL THAT SHE HAS DONE TO HOLD ME BACK!!!

my Heart hurts

maybe it is because I need someone here that isnt
or maybe its because im just sad
at this point in time maybe I need to be i dont know
unhappy to gain some happy?

Im really Sad

So I called, on a long shot, the show the Locater. Or actually e-mailed, you know just to take the wild chance that I would get a call saying, "hey we found your father". Unfortunately they didnt find him, they called to say no one has any rocord of him ever existing, so now I am thinking my mom lied to me. About everything and I hate it. I want my dad and now I dont know what to do because I dont know the truth from all the lies. Is there even a truth when the story keeps changing.

Final words from my day: I want my daddy, why wont she help me?

so Here he Is

so this is Justin. ..now what?

oh No now What

Ok so I have this friend who I have been friends with for like four years now. His name is Justin. We have been really good friends, but i have always had a tiny crush on him. I know what your thinking, oh here we go another boy to add to the list. Thats what I was thinking to. So Anyway. Tonight I was IMing him and he asked me who I liked at our old school, he graduated last year, and I told him that I had always had a little crush on him, I was just to shy to tell him. Until now. And I never do that. But this one turned out good, unless he was just tellin me what I wanted to hear. He was always with one of my friends, Ashton, though. She cheated on him, then called rape, but she wasnt raped, she just didnt want Justin to know she cheated. Anywho. I felt bad because I had known for a while and didnt tell him, he just seemed so happy and I didnt want to be the one to wreck it. SO when I finally told him last year at school, the day before I signed his yearbook. He was so bummed, he turned his head and he cried, and he doesnt ever cry in front of anyone, EVER! But he said he wasnt mad at me, whoosh big relief.

Oh wait im not done. So he said that he always had a little crush on me to, thus making my little crush turn into a big crush. He is at bootcamp now and will be leaveing for the army soon. :( Why the hell did I have to be so damn shy in high school, gash danggit I could have had him, at least from what he was saying I could have. He said that when he comes to visit over holidays he wants to see me. And i am 100% positive I want to see him. And the funny thing is, talking to him made me not think about Eric or Paul. Strange.

Final words from my day: WTF!!!

Not meant To have Him there

I know its been a while since I last posted, Ive been sad and just not up to it. I miss so many people and I have been looking for my dad. No luck.
Maybe Im not meant to know him.

Im never The right Girl

Im never ther girl that they want to talk to on a rainy day. Im never the girl that they go out of their way to get ahold of. Im not the one they tak about, or the one they dream about. Im not the one they call up just to hang out, or just to talk to. I get a random text from Paul and thats when I realize and me and him will just be friends, because he has Tiffany, why would he want me. And Eric well I made some effort. I called him and no one answered. I guess its a sign. Maybe im meant to be alone. Im not going to cry about it anymore. I have too many other things I am crying about to deal with this. Ashleigh, Eric's cousin, who is like a sister to me, is moving to Florida today and I have no idea what I am going to do without her. I love her so much I swear I could fill a pool with the tears I have cried lately. How can one person possibly gernerate so many tears. I miss my sister, sh moved and I have seen her maybe twice since. I hate it. I want my dad but of course that will probably never happen because he has no idea that im here. So is this what my life is going to be..saddness and misery?

Im just really upset today, which is a complete turn around because yesterday I was a happy camper. I talked to Paul all day yesterday and evrytime i thought i was buggin him, I told him to tell me and he would say, "your not buggin me at all, stop sayin that :)" those words exactly and the smiley. So I know there is osmething between us. I just want it to be something more than just flirt buddies and friends. I mean really he is so amazing. I cant help but smile when i simply think about him, which is pretty much all the time. Even when im reading these days, which is strange because I love to read and thats my time when I leave my world behind andd enter the world of my favorite authors. So how come he gets through when no one else ever could? Not even Eric.

Speaking of Eric I gave him my number. In a letter so ow I get to wit nervously for him to call or not call. On one side of my heart I am hoping he calls, but then on the other I am just wanting Paul to break up with Tiffany and ask me out. Which is cruel and evil of me because she really is a sweet heart, but so is Paul. I dot understand how I got stuck with this stupid life, i mean seriously did it really have to go this way.

Ive always been strong, but cant make this happen. What am I supposed to do. I get so happy when my phone rings because I know its going to be Paul texting me something random. And I cried last night in the shower for like 2 hours because i want to be with him so bad.

I am pathetic. I just throw myself out there. Actually I have only told two guys I have liked them first, before they told me. And both times it went no where. So why does is work for other people and not me. Why is this so difficult for me to get through, cant I just chill and be like hey, its not my time to be with someone. Of course not. Because I am complicated and stupid and retarded.

I keep On wondering Why i Cant get It right

I cant help but wonder what I am doing so wrong to be having to feel like this all the time. I miss Eric so much, and I like Paul soo much. But Paul has a girlfriend so obviously thats off limits. But it doesnt change the fact that I want him. And Eric is now back in my life, out of juve and I want him too. I love him.

Final words from my Day: Now What?

So much Pain?

Why is love so much pain?
Sitting on the roof starring at the stars
Thinking to myself how could I have fell for someone so hard
When all I was told was lies
Now that I think about it,
it makes me cry
To know someone I gave my heart to
Just tore my heart apart
A love that is endless
Why did this love have to start
Feeling the love I have for you
Just rushes through my veins
Why does love have to be so much pain
Memories no one can take away
The pain that I feel each and everyday
And it is going to be hard,
but I will pull myself through
A real time that a get over loving you
To know someone I gave my heart to
Just tore my heart apart
A love that is endless
Why did this love have to start
Feeling the love I have for you
Just rushes through my veins
Why does love have to be so much pain
So much pain . ..
So many nights so many tears
I've cried
No one to be by my side
Stuck with misery and pain you are the one to blame
Cause it hurts to know
To know someone I gave my heart to
Just tore my heart apart
A love that is endless
Why did this love have to start
Feeling the love I have for you
Just rushes through my veins
Why does love have to be so much pain
why does love have to be so much pain
So much pain
so much pain
Oh so much pain

I really wish that I would erase what I did
I know hat Paul is too young for me
I didnt have sex with him
but I made out with him
and I feel bad but I cant help how I feel
and I know it isnt just my fault
in fact he started it
I just didnt bother to stop him
because I do like him
alot and we are getting closer and closer
wy cant this just be easy
JEZZE!!!!

Not so Excited really

ok so my sister came to visit from sacramento
yay
other than that not too much has happened.
I am writing Eric
well he wrote back
the I wrote back
gah!!!
so lame
I just sucked myself back into this stupid relationship
oh he asked for a second chance
the one guy I have the hardest time sayin no to
wants a second chance
gosh why
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to go find a pillow and scream into it

not Daddy's little Girl

Not Daddy's Little Girl
I have my momma sittin here
she's always been there
to dry my tears
brothers sisters big brown dog
no one ever filled that spot
deep way down
way down inside theres a hole inside my chest
waiting for the day
you'll come and catch me and my breath

Im not daddy's little girl
She will never be
you werent there to dry my tear
sand all that I need
Im not daddy's little girl
she will never be
you werent there to tell him no
that little girl is gone

I have my big family
but one of them is gone
the man who shoulda been here now
is gone without a trace
I try to keep it locked inside
but now the feelings out
its like a monster clawing through today
I need this voice to shout
louder louder louder now
your gone without a trace

Im not daddy's little girl
she can never be
without the man who helped
bring her here
Im not daddy's little girl
she can never be
you werent there to take control
when the darkness came to me
Ive been hoping all my life
someday you will come to me
but I know that that things can never be

daddy daddy come save me
I need you here tonight
my voice is gone and its hard to shout
Hold me dear your words dont mean shit
Im all grown up now
where were you back then

Im not daddy's little girl
she may never be
but I have my family here tonight
to keep that man away
Im not daddy's little girl
she may never be
but now all my friends are here
they're gonna protect me
No Im Not Daddy's Little Girl

I dont Know what To do

maybe if I looked at this situation the point of view from someone else I would have the heart to walk away from something I know is no good. Even Josh said he thinks Eric is no good for me. How many more people need to come into my life telling me he is no good before I will listen. Why does he have this hold on my heart when I swore I would take it back. It's not supposed to be like this. I know inside that I will love again, but why can't this one just let go. Why is is so hard to say goodbye to my past and just let it be done. I truely have no reason to hang on to him anymore. I said all I can say in that letter and still I feel as if I have more to poor out to him because maybe just maybe I havent been honest with myself yet. How is it that I can walk around each day giving people dake smiles, when I know all I was to do if frown and fall asleep because that is the only time I dont feel any pain. My heart aches for someone to be here for me and the people who keep trying I push away. Because I just want Eric. Eric, and just Eric. Can't I just pretend that they are really what I want? No. Because all my pretending will do is send me into over drive and I will cry and cry and cry.

I sent It

So I sent the letter today. Now I think I am going to be on my toes wondering if he even read it, or if he got itm or if he read it but doesnt want to write me back. Maybe he is pissed off at me for not telling him for so long about the baby. Or maybe he will write back and he will want to be friends. I don't know anything right now. But what I do know is that these next few weeks. or maybe just days , are going to be really nerve racking, just waiting to see if he is going to reply to anything I had to say.

This letter really just spilled out everything that I had been holding inside. If I had typed it up I woulda posted it, but of course I am a lined paper junky. My journals are so over filled its hilarious reading back and trying to figure out where I was trying to go.

Final words from my day: being nervous is a matter for the butterflys.

Lost in You

I always knew that you'd come back to get me
And you always knew that it wouldn't be easy
To go back to the start to see where it all began
Or end up at the bottom to watch how it all ends
You tried to lie and say I was everything
I remember when I said "I'm nothing without you"
I'm nothing without you
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me insideLet me get close to you
Change your mind
I'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
You always thought that I left myself open
But you didn't know I was already broken
I told myself that it wouldn't be so bad
But pulling away it took everything I had
You tried to lie and say I was everything
I remember when I said "I'm nothing without you"
I'm nothing without you
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me insideLet me get close to you
Change your mind
I'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
In you
Hey now fear the rise and the fall
I see evil in you
Now everyday I find myself say"I want to get lost in you"
I'm nothing without you
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me insideLet me get close to you
Change your mindI'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
A way to get lost in you

ehhh..im sick
I hate being sick
it suck major ass

today has been filled with nyquil and tissues and my fluffy pink pillow. You would think I would be really rested, but no I am just really really tired. Everytime I fall asleep I wake up so what is the point in even trying anymore. I will fall asleep when my bad cant take it to be awake anymore.

Other than that I am just really bored. Really really bored. I think I need to go do something with my time but every muscle in my body is all achy and frustrated. I dont know how a body can be frustrated but mine is.

ok so I still havent sent that letter, only this time I actually want to. I just cant because I dont have a stamp. Lol. of al the things holding me back its a freaking stamp..I am sending it as soon as I get one.

I am sick. I hope it is just the flu and nothing serious like the swine flu or anything. I already know some people with the swine flu. It sucks because I cant do anything to helo them. Or make them feel better.

I wrote my frined T.J. a letter as well. He is the guy who tells me he loved me ever since we met 3 year s ago. I dont like him that way anymore. So I basically said just that. Only I put some really funny things in it too so it wasnt just a dull depressing "fuck my life" kinda letter.

anywho i tired..night evryone.

Final words from my day: stay home if your too sick to walk

i think that I need to chill for a bit.

I just wrote a 4 and a half page letter to Eric #1. He is in vue again. Buig suprise right. no not really..anyway. I am sending it tomorrow because I know if I don't I never will and he needs to know everything.

I didnt end up going on a date with Eric #2, but I did however still go on a date. His name was Danny and you are going to laugh when I tell you how it all went down.

First off idk if you can really call it a date because al we did was go hang at the high school by my house..anyway he had the idea of going and laying in the middle of the FB field, which would have been ok if we didnt have to hop a fence to get over. Anywho. So yea me being this clumsy person, hopped and was soing good until the landing part came along. yea I fell. I was laughing for like 10 minutes. so its ok if your laughing..cuz I sure was..the we had to hop over again to get back to his car, all because he wanted a cigarette..can you say eww..

So yea I did better the second time. only landed on my feet and hands instead of my butt..lol..then the dude wanted a lap dance..you know what I had to say to that

FUCK NO!!

then he wanted a kiss and I just met this dude so no..

yea sooooo bleh!


final words: dude white girl no no hop fence

long Week

this week has been so emotional and hard on me..which you would probably figure if you have been following..

but one thing that always calms me down is a good puzzle..and today I think I found my dream puzzle..

it is 24,000 pieces and has pretty colors lol..I am getting it..!

yea pointless post..but I thought it was amazing so I blogged about it..lol

not Today maybe Tomorrow???

So I realize now that I have so much more to learn about life. I can't just puss out because my life isn't going the way I want it to. Does it ever. Yes it's hard. But no one ever said it was going to be easy. I know that God is out there. And he is going to help me through out all my troubles. I know that someday I will have the man who makes my heart jump, even if I feel I have already had that man. And lost that man. And maybe I have, but I can never know what will happen in my future because they future changes with every breath I take.

I am starting to get nervous more and more about getting into a relationship with Eric #2. (yes I gave them numbers: Eric #1 and Eric #2) I have a date with him tomorrow, and I am hoping it goes well, just because I haven't had a boyfriend in a while. Not that I need one. I'm just saying that I am willing to give a relationship a shot.

Final words from my day: I don't have any final words that could inspire even a mouse.

I climbed A tree Today

I write to find my perfect ending, I know that sounds weird, but that's why. I guess I am able to pick out the beginning and ending to everything I write and that makes my life so much better.

I'm sorry, but this is who I am. My life is mine to live, and mine to let go of. You know, I have cut my wrists to escape this place. Not only my wrists, but other places where no one could see. No one could help, no one wanted to help, because no one wanted to believe. I wanted to escape my past so badly that I would do whatever I could to get that. I wanted to escape the way I was hurt. No one would listen, especially the one person I needed to love and understand me the most. She wouldn't believe. She said I as lying, but I wasn't. Now there is nothing I can do because I wont ever see him again. He won't ever have to face the consequences for what he did.

I have thought so many times that I wasn't worth anything to anyone. I wish with everything I am that I could make my past better, but I know I cant. If I really had the chance to change everything I would. Not so that I could give up and forget the friends that I have now, because they are everything to me, but to stop the dreams, the scary flash backs whenever I see or hear or smell something from him, or the rooms. I would go back to get back what he took away.

My most called number right now is the number of a stranger, he helps me realize that I am somebody. He isn't really a stranger, hes a good friend. But it hurts because we are just friends. They say that it hurts worse to lose the ones you love most, but I think they are wrong. Who ever "they" are.

Its complicated, and I don't expect you to understand. I wait up at night just looking at the stars wondering why life wont seem to go my way. I want this to be known by all I love. I can't change my past, and I can't be who you want me to be. But the ones who love me for me right now are in my heart forever. I have finally realized that killing myself won't cause me less pain, but end my life completely. I put the knife back in the drawer because when it was touching my skin I got a flash of my best friend. Tasha. She was standing next to a box, my box. My external box and she was crying. I saw Christina trying to stay calm, and I saw Brittany sitting at her knees, wiping he tears asking God why.

I saw my mom and for the first time I know that she does love me, even through our fights. My brothers and sisters not knowing why, baby Jeremiah not understanding, not realizing that he will never see his big sister again.

I caused more pain than good, and to live with this feeling is horrible, I cant put that on them and I cant give them back their tears.

I put that knife away because I realized that I am loved for who I am. Its a big accomplishment for me. I wont put anymore scars on my skin by myself. I wont put that pain on my family and friends. I was going to write a goodbye note, but then I looked at my wall and saw the pictures. People who care about me surround me everyday, and causing them pain would be like spitting in their faces. I don't want to do that. I think God has a bigger plan for my life than me to die in my young years.

I am really truly sorry for the pain I have caused. Oh God I am sorry. For every lie I have ever told, for every tear I have caused to fall from a loved ones eyes. I used to think that no one would ever love me, that I wasn't worth any one's time or tears. If that's true, then why am I still here? Why did I stop myself? I cant change my past, but I can control what I do in my future. Did you know that every 18 minutes someone dies from a suicide, and that every 43 seconds someone attempts one. I was almost part of that 18 minute time frame.

Tasha you have helped me through so much. I love you so much! I feel like that was over rated or understated, but you know something. I don't care. I am so lost in this world and no one's smile seems to make it all better. I wonder why it was your face that flashed into my head first. Wow.

I guess having friends like Tasha and Christina and Brittany and Josh and Cory is what keeps me holding on. I had a friend who said he climbed a tree and was still holding on because of those who love him. Well I am holding on for those guys. For the innocent face of my baby brother, for the look of pure happiness only my mother can give. I know I fight with her but she is the one gave me life, well her and God.

I just wish my dad could see how I grew up. He never even got the chance to figure me out. To know me. Maybe I'm not the best person in the world. But I am a daughter and a friend. I am me.

I started this as my final note, my goodbye, but it turned into so much more. It stated out with pain and ended up clearing my mind. Maybe that was all I needed. I turned this around because I got a touch of faith. I guess its just not my time. I know that times are so rough I just want it all to end, and I guess tonight was one of those times. My feelings got pushed over the edge. I really miss having Tasha there to pull me together again. But I guess I will hang on for her and Christina, and Josh, ad Brit, and Cory. Sage, Breanna, Mom, Dad, Brothers, Sisters, Family, Everyone in my life. God. You all love me. Don't worry I'm fine. I just started to panic because I felt alone and hurt, maybe a little left out. I moved away and I guess a part of tonight was because I felt like all these new people were taking my place. Every time I think about it I start to cry. I really hate hurting you guys. I will hang on for you. I will try hard. I promise.

Final words from my horrific day: I climbed a tree today, to see who cared enough to glance up. I climbed that tree with the promise f jumping off. I am braking that promise, and I am going to hang on for you.

since When do I have Thursdays off???

So today I get woken up by my mom saying, "Come sweep the house really quickly, then you can go back to bed." Kinda strange since I usually work Thursdays. Oh well now I guess I have 3 days off a week. Yay!

I think Josh knows me a little too well. He texted me at noon and was like, "your still in bed, in your pjs, arent you." I told him no, but of course I was. And he knew it. I thought it was funny.

I didnt have any dreams last night. At least none that made me want to cry. I actually dreamed about being back in Colorado with my God Brother. I miss him. I think when I graduate im going to go back and visit all of my friends and family for a while. I miss them all.

Not too much happened today. Honestly I slept alot. I am doing that more and more. Sleeping. I wait til all the daycare kids are asleep and my mom doesnt care what I do. then pass out. I dont know why. I just get so tired lately. Maybe I need a some sleeping pils for at night so I dont need to sleep during the day. Anyway. I am tired. Im gonna go to bed.

Final words from my day: Doing nothing can be tiring.

gosha

Jeezo..
So I got asked out on a date for this sunday. I would have no problem with it. Actually I should have no problem with it. I realy shouldnt. He is a sweet guy. He wants me to be his girl. So he says. I want to give him a shot. But his name is a hard thing to get past. Eric. of all names why Eric?

Thanks for all the supporting comments. Its alot more than I got from Eric..the dad not the potential date. by the time this eric thing blows over I am gonna be so confused...the date eric not the dad. see what I mean.

Josh is leaving for college soon. What am I going to do without him. He is the one who talks to me til 4 in the morning when I am crying because I had another dream. Why does everything have to come together then fall apart a second later. I wish I could go back to being a kid. I didnt have any problems. I didnt have any heart ache. No wait I did. I didnt have my daddy. I had my step dad but now my mom hates him. She ruined everything with that. I am sorry that sounds mean but she did. Why did she have to cut us all of from the only fathr figure any of us knew. I really do love him like a dad. But there is a point when I need my real dad. And he doesnt even know he has a daughter.

I am the most depressing person on the planet. Ha care to disagree.

I think I am going to give Eric a chance thought. I cant not give him one just because my ex fucked with my head and my heart. I would be just like the other Eric if I did.

I felt so alone when I woke up this morning. Crazy considering my inbox was full of I love you and I miss you texts and emails. How and I be so loved and not feel it? Wow that sounded really conceited. I swear im not conceited. I actually consider myself a pain in the ass. lol..really I do.

Exhausted from saddness/nightmare?

Final words from my day: A name is just a name until you make it mean something.

I hate My dreams Sometimes

So I cant exactly move on from what happened with my baby, when she is in my dreams. Though I never got to see hat she looked like. These dreams seem so real. She has Erics nose and ears. And his brownish black hair. But I guess the one thing I gave her was my eyes. azel with a tint of blue. I am glad she got my best feature rather than one I hate. She was so beautiful. I just want her to be real. But I know she never will be again.

I have had a name picked out for my first boy and girl ever since I was like ten. The name I was going to give he was Alyssa Renee. Renee after my older sister. Thats her middle name. And Caleb Michael. Michael is my first real brothers middle name.

Is is wrong to use that name. Even if it was going to be her name. I dint really know if it would be giving away her name, but more letting her memory live on. Is is wrong to use it? What do you think?

Today, after that dream I had last night, I had no energy. I woke up crying, and of course the first thing I get when I turn my phone on is a text from Josh saying I love you. I cried. I woke up at 9 ish, got the text, and cried myself to sleep. I stayed in bed until 2:30. Then my lettle brother, the only joy in my life, got home from school. HE came in and gave me a hug and said he loved me. So strange because he has never done that b4. But it was great. So I got out of bed and made him a snack and took a shower. and for once I felt refreshed. Still sad, but not needing to be in bed anymore. I am so tired. I have no idea why.

So I am going to crash.

Final words from my day: The little joys in life, make life worth living.

I dont Know how To do It

ok so I am going there. I wrote a poem. Read it and I will explain.

non-stop yelling, echoing through walls
screaming crying why wont it halt
peace and quiet never came here
silence is only around when sleep occurs
but the nightmares wont stay away
distant baby, gone away forever
she never even had the chance to fight
a right she never got to have
I want it to end, can't take much more
pain in my heart, tears in my eyes
happiness is but a memory flying in the wind
no one notices the fear in my eyes
the fear she must have felt
maybe I should pay the price for her life
I gladly would, to hold her tight
My poor little baby Alyssa
what happened to the love we shared
What happened to the smiles we made
Where are the laughs and giggles
Why did it end so fast
What creature came and stole them away
was it meant to bewas she wrong
Why am I having all these suicidal thoughts

So that is probably, well maybe, a bit confusing. I got pregnant a few years back. But I had a miscarriage. Maybe it wasnt the right point in my life to have a baby, but nontheless I got pregnant. I think it was my fault she died because I didnt tell her father that I was. One night I went to his house, planning to tell him, but he was drunk. He got mad about something, and I dont think he meant to do it, but he hit me. And she was gone. My little baby girl. Gone forever.

I dont know how to get over that. Everytime I get happy inside, something in my heart lurches and that happy is gone. Just like she is. How can I forget.

Lollipop, lollipop

oh lolly lolly

lollypop

lol..

Ok soooo, I dyed my hair black lol. I wanted a change. I wanted to be spontaneous. I am on an emotional rollarcoaster right now. Im not sure why. So I though hey why not do something, um, different. And I figured, why should I go with a color everyone else wanted..light brown, blonde streaks, BLEH!!! lol

so black it is. I actually like it. My sister said that because I look so pale I should put some red lip gloss on and I would look all vampiry..lol..What do you think.

Im graduating early. I wish I wasnt. Most people are so ready to get out. But highschool was some of the best years of my life. Well when I wasnt on home study anyway. I am just sad its over.

tired Of this Crap

Have you ever been so tired of your life you want to give up on it
well that is me today
but the thing is
I cant give up
because if I do
I have people who will follow that example
so now all i can do
is try to make it better
but how do I go about doing that?

hmmmmm..

HE IS NINE!!!

So today is my little rother Jeremiah's birthday. He is nine. It makes me want to cry. He has grown up so fast. I remember him latching onto my legs trying to stand. Or learning to crawl. Getting in food fights when he was barely two.

AWWW!

His first words. I love him with all my heart. But I want him to stay little forever. He is in school, and I guess he takes after me. He is way popular and he has little girlys coming to our house. He is in so many sports I cant even count. I think he likes wrestling most.

man I wish I could turn back the clock.

when Will what I want Finally matter?

today was one of those days when what you want really just seems to float around in every one's head, but they don't really care. Or at least that is what it felt like. I would like to think I am a good person and everyone would like me. But this is most definitely not the case.

today I thought a lot about the girl who completely turned my life upside down twice. Her name is Tashina. I used to want to hurt this girl because of how bad she hurt me. But I cant hold that anger inside me forever, i need to forgive her. Which is what I did when she texted me out of nowhere and apologized.

First off I don't know how she got my number, so she had to have gone out of her way to find it considering we haven't been friends for a very long time. Maybe a back round story on this one would make sense.

I met her when she transferred to my school in my sophmore year. She had no friends and didn't know anyone. Me being the person I am, introduced myself and all of my friends. I have regretted it ever since. We started out cool, but two weeks after the introductions she stated talking about me behind my bad. Saying cruel things to people I was really good friends with. One particular person in general, Kurt. My love at first sight man. She told him that I wanted to beat his at the time girlfriend Spencer's ass. Which is so not true, yes I was a tad bit jealous of her, i mean she was with the guy I couldn't stop thinking about. The guy I saw and my heart skipped a beat. But I figured I would rather be friends than nothing so I got to know Spencer and she turned out to be really cool. But when Tashina went to her saying all those things we sorta stopped talking. Which wasn't that sad on the Spencer side, but Kurt wouldn't even look at me. We were good friends and he acted like I didn't exist. We eventually figured out that Tashina had started all this, and resolved everything. But the thing is me and Kurt have never been the same. We wave and say hi, but no more hour long chat like the old times.

Then she started dating my ex, which you know I have to get over. But its not the face that they dated, it that she told him I was lying about something I could never possibly lie about. I don't want to go into that whole thing right now because I will just start crying.

So anyway. She texted me and apologized for everything she has ever done. I mean down to EVERYTHING! she didn't miss anything, which leads me to believe she really did feel bad and was sincerely sorry.I only had one question for her. Why me. Out of all the people in the world she could fuck over, why me?

She explained in detail.

She said right out. I was jealous of you. You seemed to have this perfect life. You are beautiful. You had a great boyfriend. And you have no enemy's, everyone liked you. Believe me everyone. I had to get in Spencer's head to start everything I started. You had perfect grades and a perfect lifestyle. I was just so jealous and I wanted what you had. You just seemed so happy and I wasn't. You opened your heart to me and you didn't have to do that. I know I betrayed your trust and we will probably never be friends but I hope you can forgive me. My grandma beats me and I hate my life. That is not an excuse for what I did, because I had no right to do what I did. I wished that you would feel the pain I felt everyday. It was wrong of me because you were so nice to me and you let me in when no one else would give me a chance. I am truly sorry and I hope one day we will be friends.

That is what she sent. I didn't rephrase or anything. I wrote what she texted. She seems so genuine, so sincere. at first I wrote back really angry saying things I have wanted to say for such a long time. Then almost directly after my phone said message sent I wrote back apologizing for what I had just said. I felt so bad. But she said everything I was was true. Only it wasn't. She doesn't deserve to be beat by her grandma, or told that she is ugly and worthless to everyone who sees her. No one deserves that.

In the end I did forgive her. Honestly I do. I am still mad as hell about what she did. But I do forgive her. But what I think she really needs is to forgive herself and ask God forgiveness as well. I told her that if she ever needed someone to talk to I am here and I will always help her out. But I really don't think we will ever be friends. She hurt me so bad because we were friends. Because I did trust her. She betrayed that trust in the worst way. And it hurt that much more because I did help her out in the beginning.

Anyway that's the only major thing that happened today.

Final words from my day: Forgiveness can always be given, even in the worst situations, even when some don't deserve that forgiveness. It takes courage to forgive and honesty to mean it.

wait What?

So right away this morning my day started off TERRIBLE! My mom comes in and she asks me to put the dogs outside. So I do. Except for my moose of a dog Pumba (i was watching lion king when I named him). I let him stay in my room just because I haven't really been giving him that much attention lately. I felt bad so I let him stay in. But she got all pissy and yelled and then gave me a chore. Sweeping! GAWWW!!! I hate sweeping with a passion. I mean it wouldn't be so so bad if I didn't have to do it every frickin day. Which I do. There is something you need to know about my mom though. She is a MAJOR clean freak. Like if my house isn't like 100% spotless she has to clean everything all over again. I swear she spends 98.9% of her day cleaning.I am not even exaggerating when I say that.

Anyway. So I decide hey I'm in a bad mood already lets just make it worse. OK I didn't really think that, but you know when you are caught up in a moment and you just fire off at will. Well that's how it went. So she was like. I want you out of my house in two days. Of course I freak out. So I call my sister crying. She lives in Sacramento, asking if I can come stay with her for a couple days, because I know my mom will cool of she just needs time. Same thing happened with my sister. only I guess she cooled off really fast cuz she came home from the Blue Angel Air Show and everything was all hunky dory again. Yippee? you would think so right. So just to make sure that she isn't still pissy with me. I say "hey mom you want me to sweep now." and she is like "yea just let me wipe the counters first" which is great cuz that is always her response. So I'm guessing we are good again. WE are never good good. but we are at least on the same hemisphere of cranky now.

So I called, well texted, my sister back and was like I guess I'm not coming to sac after all, which is fine with her cuz she is stayin at her friend Orygen's house anyway.I love that kid, OK I love his cuteness. lol. He is the "chosen one" for the whole Buddhist society I guess. Which is way cool.Its like knowing a celeb. tight! lol He is a major brat though.

Then my mom is like no cell phones on Sundays. turn them all off. And of course I'm freaking on the inside because of Josh and Jaclyn and Brit. Which is two whole other stories I will get to in a sec. So I sneak my phone until she is in bed. I know bad Codyann. slap on the wrist slap on the wrist.

Brit texts me out of nowhere around four and she is like guess who I am hanging with these days. And of course Tasha already gave me the summary. Brit and Jaclyn have been hanging out with Lyle and Forrest again. Forrest is the dude in the hat.

Little background on that situation. I met Lyle and Forrest on my 17th birthday and I had a major thing for Lyle. hes a cutie how could I resist and I guess he was totally feelin me cuz he was like CHOCOLATE! I WANT THE CHOCOLATE OFF HER! lol..little bday tradition we have had for a while. anyway. Well it turns out Jaclyn cheated on her boyfriend at the time (Robert: sorry don't have or want a pic of him) With guess who Lyle. So Jesse her CURRENT! boyfriend, is like hey I don't care if you hang but I want to know about it. Which he has every right to know. I think. And Forrest is telling Brit how much he wants to be with her and how he loves her, and the two have never even dated and of course she isn't going to listen to me and Tasha's advice because she has this dildo cooing in her ear. Anyway. So Jaclyn and Brit are hanging with them and they call Tasha. They are like can you have Cory(the dude right there <--) cover for us because we don't want Jesse and Christina to know we are hanging with them. I think that is SO fucked up. if you love someone why hide things from them. Especially bfs! anyway so Brit asks me her opinion and I tell he exactly how I feel and she tells Jaclyn and Jaclyn is like you don't know the whole situation and you are always judging us and you don't have to do that. and I'm like I told Brit I didn't want to give my input because I knew she wouldn't like it and we would end up fighting. which is exactly what happened. So those two aren't speaking to me now. I mean I understand Jaclyn's point of view but she should be mad at Brit. That convo wasn't between me and her it was between me and Brit. Oh well we always stop talking for a couple days and it will be all better in like 3 days. I don't think I was in the wrong at all. Considering Brit is the one who asked for my opinion in the first place. Even after I said it would lead to a fight. She risked it, but then again so did I.

Then Josh sends me this text, saying I am one of the best friends he has and he is going to miss me and he is moving away pretty soon and he hopes I have good luck in the future and he loves me and he will always love me. So I am freaking out thinking he is saying good bye to me or something, so I text him freaking out saying hey dude whats wrong are you OK. he didn't text back so I texted again. still no answer. I email. Then he texts me saying he is staying with our friend Shawn because there is drama at his house and he doesn't want to be there and he does have good cell service so it takes him a bit to text back..lol. So I tell him to disregard the email. Cuz It was like saying if your saying good bye then come do it in person. I love you and I cant have you slipping away again. you are like a best friend to me now. You cant just pop in and out of my life so if this is a good bye then please come do it in person. So i hope he doesn't read it, bu he probably will anyway. Ha. Oh well I'm and prepared for his write back.

Then I tried to call Tasha but she is sick. sadness. Because she is like the only one who knows the way my head works. and so I know this blog may be a bit confusing but its because I didn't get to sort out all my thoughts and file them all pretty in my head like I usually do with Tasha because when I called her mom was like she is sleeping. Its he moms birthday um..34 minutes ago...lol..so today. and so I told her I loved her and happy birthday and yeah. Told her to tell Tasha I love her and to have her call or text when she feels better.

Final words from my day: Sort your head b4 you blog it out. Jeez sorry for the verbal spew..my bad..I blame Tasha lol..jk jk.

So high?

My name is Codyann and I have had the most terrible day. I said my name because a name is not who you are but who you choose to be. My name is not my real name it is the name I go by. I dont know where that fits in I just felt the need to say that. :)

I have had days when I am way to out of it to even think straight, days when all I want to do is sleep until I have the strength to get up and live life. Today was a day that didnt need to happen, but it did. It was a pointless day that wasnt worth my time. I wanted to stay in bed all day. I felt like crying, but I have no tears to cry.

Have you ever had a time in your life when you just have to let everything out, and you do it by crying, but when all the tears are gone all you have is the hurt. The fear. The pain. The anger. The Sadness. The worthlessness.

Today my life seemed as if it wouldnt mattered if I feel of the face of the earth. No one would care. And it strated out with the simplest of things that shouldnt even matter, but for some reason it does. I woke up and turned my phone on as I do every morning. Usually I wake up and I have four or five text messages from friends. Today I had none. I felt wierd about it, but I thought hey no biggy its saturday they are probably sleeping in. Hours past and still no one wrote.

No emails. No IMs. I feel that my life is not what it needs to be. And I hate having these feelings of being incomplete. I wish that there was something or someone who could fill these holes that I have, but nothing seems to work. I want my dad. and I wand my brothers and my sisters. And I want my mom. I mean I live with her but we arent close. We dont have a good relationship and the sad thing is neither of us want to try.

Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and have evrything be ok when I open them up again. How can I feel this way when I have so much love surrounding me. I mean look at my family..ok so its just me and some of my brothers and sisters. But we all look happy..even though that day I was so pissed off I wanted to jut blow up..but I love them. And I know they love me. How could they be here and my life still be so incomplete. It doesnt make any sense to me. I miss being a little kid.

I have amazing friends and granted we do some stupid things when we get together we always pull through it because we are there for each other.

Look at me and my best friend,(I am in the red). Tasha(BooBoo Bear) is my best friend. I love her to death. When she is around I am happy. I just wish she couldbe around all the time. So I would never be unhappy. I wish that we could just take all the plans we have made and follow through on them. We have only been friends for about 4 yeras but those four years have been a lifetime of fun. and I will never ever regret anything we have gone through. She has changed me for the better. I love her with all my heart. I guess the saying "God made us best friends because our parents couldnt handle us as sisters" is really true in our case.

Oh and I decided that my blogs would be sooooo much better with a visual of who these people are. so here are a few of the people I have mentioned in my blogs. Just let me know if I have missed any of them.

This is LyleThis is Jaclyn

This is PaulThis is Tasha (BooBoo Bear)This is Brittany(Brit)This is Christina(Trixy)The guy is Garth and the chick is TrixyThis is Josh

Then we have the drama that happened the night Josh and Tasha came over. I never really explained that one so my last post was probably confusing. So I was talking to Josh and out of nowhere he is like "I want to kick Trixy's(Christina) bf's ass." I was like why and he said that he was texting Trixy and I guess Garth had her phone cuz he wrote Josh and was like "I'm going to find you and kick your ass if you text my girl again." First off we have been friends with Josh for way longer than we have know Garth! So Josh wanted a picture of Garth, so I sent him one, which I admit I had no place doing and I apologized to Trixy for that. I know I was in the wrong for that, but seriously Garth has no right telling Trixy she cant talk to Josh. So me and Trixy get in this huge arguement over text and stop talking for a few hours. Until she texts me saying sorry but Josh is an ass hole cuz he just call Tasha a slut. I was like WTF! so I asked Josh and he showed me a text but he was totally kidding when he said it Brit and Trixy and Jaclyn just were taking it way too seriously, even after Josh was like hey Im totally joking. He showed Tasha ad she was laughing. She knows he was just kidding be they all took it WAY too seriously and I get the feeling the only reason Trixy is even mad is because Garth is mad. GOSH!!!

I hate drama! I am gonna go to bed now. I have cried all the tears I can cry, I have yelled at myself to the point where my throat hurts and my sisters think im crazy. I hav so much mor eto say, but it can wait til my next blog. I am just so ready for this stupid day to be over.

Final words from my day: sometimes you need a day to cry

Not feeling Up to Life anymore

So I have never met my dad. and the other night I woke up in the middle of the night crying because I wanted my dad. Is that norman considering I have never met the man. I have always wondered wat he was like. If I look like him..What he smells like. what color his hair is. His eyes? I just dont think it is right for my mom to have not told him about me.

Final words of my day: Fathers deserve to know they have a child.

Just some Missed moments...

This is me when I was a kid. I love this picture because it reminds me that everyone has a kid hidden somewhere inside them. Even though some have them hidden deep deep deep down inside. But you know its still there. Its kind of funy to se how I have grown. Anyway just wanted a little flash back moment.

So today was good i guess. I finally got a full day off. lol..that almost never happens. Usually something comes up and I have to work. Lame. but yeah.

Suprisingly I am pretty tired. I am not sure why but Im not ready to sleep yet. I am kind of thinking about Josh.

So he made a comment that he didnt understand why a guy couldnt just hang with a girl and be just friends, why they had to be dating. So im kind of thinking that he just wants to be friends with me. And I think I might be fine with that. I always get too caught up in a guy thinking we might get together and usually it doesnt happen. But hey, one day it will hapen for me and I will be so happy that I wont even think twice about being sad about oll the Josh's and Paul's in my life. I am really going to try not to get to worked up about it.

HA I say that now. But we all know that I will probably still think about them. I just wont get too worked up about it. so yup..yup. awww..

Ok so look at me now. I have changed so much and I dont always like it sometimes. I can be good..but I am bad a lot of the time to. I drink and I smoke and I party. But I havea good heart.

Final words from my day: Dont let the child inside you hide from your heart. Most of the good things about a person come from the child parts inside you.

Life of The dull And confused

holy moses...lol

today was hard. I worked all day. and its monday..grrr..

SIMON IS GONE!!! I AM SO FUCKIN HAPPY I MIGHT JUST GO DO CARTWHEELS ON THE HIGHWAY!!!

ok maybe not..for two reasons: 1. I dont know how..lol and 2. I dont wanna die yet..lol

aww sweet silence...

oh the band Theory Of A Deadman is the shiz. Dont care who you are..you gotta listen to Not Meant To Be. Love that song..

soooo tired...night

final words from my day: I dont know who said ignorance is bliss...DUDE! silence and shut eyelids and sweet dreams of sexy boys s bliss..lol

whoopsy

well Josh and Tasha are coming to my house tonight yay..

today has been short..

not much has happened.
Christina is mad at me for showing Josh a picture of Garth.
Oh well she will live. Her boyfriend is an ass hole anyway.

Final words from my short day...

Its not such a big deal..so dont turn it into one.

One of Those dayz?

sometimes I think about how horrible my day is going, or how long it is, or just..well..about evrything that has gone wrong, all in one day. Well today was a mixture of bad and good, and honestly I am exhausted, but I must blog the readers... :)

So to start it off I woke up at 2:30 this morning to my dog trying to attack my cat. They have always gotten along, and just these past couple weeks Pumba(my dog) has been the biggest ass to George(my cat). I dont know what is problem is but he has been a jerk to all the animals lately. Not just George.

Then I got woken up again by my mom, who by the way does open doors she throws them, saying that she had to leave so I had to work today..Lame considering I get tuesdays, thursdays and weekends off unless she goes out of town on saturday for my sisters cheer meets. But I was supposed to have today off because I worked yesterday, due to my mom being a blonde and forgetting that she had an appointment that was only supposed to last an hour..yea right..with her an hour is 4 hours like 5 minutes can turn into 2 hours. Im not exaggerating. My mom runs an in home 24/7 daycare. So my house is never peaceful. But yeah so I worked today. Not getting much sleep last night because I thought I would have today off, I stayed up late.

Then Simon came home, which automatically ut me in a fussy mood because he thinks he just Mr. High and Mighty and everyone should clean up and cook for him and dinner has to be done when he gets back from practice or we are terrible people. Its whatever now cuz guess what. just guess..ok dont guess I'll just tell you. He is going to be gone by sunday!!! so freakin happy. Anyway back to the reason I was mad at him even more today. So he goes into the kitchen, leaves the fridge open, leave the sink running, and a mess on the counter. We in this house have a rule, open it close, mess it up clean it up, turn it on turn it. Simple right. I guess not for him. Then he goes into the living room and starts eating on the couch! Not allowed unless the table is full of daycare kids, which it wasnt because half were with my mom somewhere and then some in the playroom and some takin a nap. Then he decided that he had to leave. Fine by me, only he left a knife sitting on the floor. Any one of those little kids could have gotten to it and really hurt themselves. WHAT KIND IF MORON LEAVES A KNIFE ON THE FLOOR AROUND KIDS!!! GOSH!!! Plus he made a huge mess n the couch and since my mom was gone I had to clean it up. He comes back and I tell him that he shouldnt eave knifes on the floor because of the kids and he had the nerve to say, "little children should learn to not touch what is not theirs. They need disipline and maybe knife will teach that." WAT A RETARD! Stupid. I tried to keep my cool, so I went outside and screamed really loud! AHHHH! jeeze. Anyway happier cuz no one in california or anywhere near california wants to take him and the only available place is in, wait for it, ALASKA!!!! HELL FUCKIN YEA!!!

aww so happy. oh and I have to work tomorrow. but starting at 3 and only for a bit cuz my moms other workin is comin in she just has to go watch her boys game then she will be here..yippie!

So sorry for that uhh language. Im gonna go sleep. So tired.. :)

Final words of the day..

Knives ARE NOT a lesson to be learned..they are for cutting! Not little children who dont know any better because they barely know how to CRAWL!!!

Not too Sure yet?!?

I find myself thinking about Eric alot lately. I got into my mode where I have to go through everything and clean it even if it isnt messy. I always do that when i think of Eric. I dont know why, it just happens, every single frinkin time. but on the plus side my mom didnt have to scream at me to clean my room because when she came to yell at me about it, it was all shiny. It comes down to this. I still love Eric, and I probably always will, but no matter how much I love him, I cant get back together with him. I gave him a second chance and he blew it out of the water with a frickin bomb. Love hurts sometimes. And I wil have to get used to that. No matter how much I want to believe that he really cared for me, I know that all he really wanted was someone to have sex with, and that is so not cool with me. I just wish I would have known that when I was with him. I have this way of falling for guys I know arent good for me. Eric isnt the first.

Lets take a trip down memory lane shall we..

First there is my first ever boyfriend, from way back in preschool..lol..Israel. He was my first love lol. Well he was my first puppy love anyway. I will never forget that firey red hair. He was also my first kiss. Wow I miss that kid lol.

Then Christian, boy was that a mistake. In the beginning he was wonderful, and he spoiled me that was a major plus. Not that I'm a gold digger, just sayin I didnt mind. Everytime he did something to upset me he would fix it with buyng something for me. Thats when I started noticing the change in him. He would get so rough and then one day he grabbed my hand and twisted it. But of course I didnt think anything of it because I thought that was normal. So not normal. I know that now. One day he just hit me, out of no where I guess I said something to upset him. Im so happy that my friend Phil was there to see that, because no one else ever believed me, because Christian was just such a nice guy. Im not even the one who broke it off with him, my friend Vanessa did it because I was too afraid to go near him.

Then we have Eric and he hit me once and that killed our relationship. That was his second chance. The first he blew by cheating on me. With someone who was supposed to be his sister. Yuck!

Kurt was awesome. I could have swan in those beautiful grey blue eyes..mmmm. so gorgeous. I loved his eyes. In a way I think I loved him, or it was just a really really big crush. I never got him though. It was shawna then spencer and wat really sucks about that, is that I could have had him. Its just that Tashina had to go and fuck it up by tellin lies and spreadin rumors and now me and Kurt dont even talk. We used to be like best friends. Now we see each other, wave, and pass on. Goes to show that everything has its good and rough times, only the ones that are meant to go through really do. and I guess that some friendships are meant to end.

Chance, well Chance was really spontaneous. He was a small crush that got lit up and pushed forward. It lasted a short time and I dont regret anything that happened.

and finally we have Lyle..one night stand..nuff said.

Paul is a mega crush as well as Josh. Paul is illegal considering im 18 but everyone says age shouldnt matter, but it kind of does. With both of us. and Tiffany stands in the way of his sexy self. And Josh is just not gonna tell me how he feels anytime soon. Yippie for me.

I need to find a guy. Or maybe I should just occupy myself and stay single till some amazing guy comes through. It could happen right?

A few months ago my best friends grandpa past away and I miss him alot. When I moved there they all welcomed me like I was family. And then a few days ago KCs mom past on. I feel so terrible about it. And I cant do anything to change the fact that they ae both gone, and they wont be back. But I will keep them in my heart.

Final words from my day...Bless the time you have with the ones you cherish, you never know when it will all end, or someone will suddenly pass away. R.I.P Mamma Wiseman and Grandpa Lawsen you will never be forgotten.

some hope

today I talked to Josh and asked him why he has been so distant with his feelings. He said that even though he is the one who broke up with Sarah (his pyscho ex) that he still cares for her. I know how he feels because I miss Eric like that all the time..but him and Sarah are more recent and they were together longer than me and Eric. I guess I just need to sit back and let it play out how it wants to. I cant force him to want me like I want him. And I would rather stay friends with him than push the issue and end up fighting. GAHHH!!!

I am excited for spring break. Its days away but I cant wait. Me and Tasha (my best friend) are planning a trip just the two of us for that week..SO EXCITED!! We dont know where we are going yet but we just know we want to get away. I called her crying the other day because everything was coming at me all at once. I was fighting with my mom and my sister. I was worried about my other best friend Cory because his aunt just dyed. And KC, Cory's cousin, is like a big brother to me, I havent seen either of them in such a long time. I tried calling Cory but I guess his phone is disconnected. Which worries me even more because he always pays his bill. I feel like im being cut off from everyone I love most.

Things will get better soon I hope. Its like people say, you have to get through the bad times before you get to the good because you wont know if its good unless you've experienced the bad.

I just bough the move Cast Away. I wonder what it would be like to be stranded on an island with everyone thinking you were dead. Your only friend being a vollyball. That would be so sad. To be secluded like that. I would hate it. Especially because I cant go one day without talking to Tasha. I remember when I lost my voice, it was so bad. I couldnt even whisper, cuz you couldnt hear it. everyone thought it was funny, even I thought it was funny. Then when I had to give a speech I was laughing so hard, of course you couldnt hear it, but like no one understood a word I was trying to say. Anyway back to the point. That was such a good movie, really sad ending.

I miss Colorado sometimes. Im thing about moving back there.

well im out..love to all of you

final words from my day: not everything is meant to be, if you let it go and it comes back, you know that it is.