I still dont know

So im still not sure yet if I am pregnant.
I cant really believe that I did this.
I never let go and drink like that.
I dont know how 4 beers effected me so much,
because it never has before.
I told Paul and Nick about it.
About what happened.
I really can't recall it all.
I have never gotten that messed up in my life.
I dont understand at all.
But what can I really do about it now.
If I am pregnant I will take care of the baby.
This is my mess up and I need to deal with it.
I know one thing though,
I am never drinking with people I just met,
EVER AGAIN!

I have let Paul go as anything more than my best friend
I asked him to be the God Father
well him and Nick
And I asked Tasha to be the God Mother
I know im not 100 % sure yet but I was emotional and I just asked.
They all said yes.
I told Eric to stay out of my life
no more calling
no more texting
no more stopping by
because it always ends in a fight and me crying
I cant handle him anymore
I really dont want Clint to go to jail
but in less than 6 days that is exactly what is going to happen
I know none of this makes any sense right now
I will explain it better when im not freakin out

I really dont know where to go from here..

Still bein Watched

its probably a good thing they are watching me now

suicide Watch

my friends have pulled out their suicide watch faces. I cant handle bein watched like this. I might freak out. But I know they just have my best intentions at heart. In way I am glad. They are the only people keepin me here right now.

merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all!
I wish I was with Paul
I wish I had all my friends
I wish I could have all my family here
I wish I wasnt so sad on such a great day
I wish life would get better

I cant really figure anything out anymore. It is like I cant do anything right. And I cant have anything I want.
The one guy I fell in love with, gave my heart to, and just really let myself fall for..slept with someone who is my friend. I don't understand and I hate feeling like this so much. I almost killed myself because of him and those stupid skanks. I shouldn't be calling them skanks because they were at one point in time my best friends.
I know I am stupid and reckless but I don't deserve what they did to me because this time I can honestly say I did nothing wrong. I cant stand her boyfriend and she knows that so why the hell would she believe that I flirted with him. That's never even been a thought in y mind. I would NEVER do that to her. and she should know me well enough to know that. But I guess I'm just not worth keeping around. I guess it comes down to lies and deception and they all chose to shut me out. Fine by me at least now I know who the real good trustworthy people are in my life. I don't even know if people read this but I don't care either.
I miss him and I know he has a girlfriend and she is a sweet heart and that's probably why I feel so guilty. But when I talk to him I feel so much better. He talked me down from killing myself and I have no way to repay him but to stop flirting with him because I know that he wont choose me over her. And I don't want him to. I came in and screwed up his world not the other way around. And I know what I was doing is wrong. But you know something, now he knows how I feel and the ball is in his hands. If he wants me I am his in a heartbeat. If not I am happy just to have him as a friend. I go crazy when I don't get to talk to him and today I didn't at all. I have texted but I know that he probably just didn't wanna be bothered by me and all my stupid suicidal thoughts.
If anyone cares I am still here. And I still love him, but he fucked but. I still love those girls to death, but they fucked up worse. And I still hella like him but he has her and I have to accept that. I need to stop getting my hopes up thinking things are gonna change. Because from this point they aren't.

I am no longer friends with Jaclyn and Christina. They ruined that for themselves because I know I was a great friend. I was always there for them when they needed me even if I needed them more at the time. I brushed my problems aside to listen to what they had to say. And I cant do this thing with Eric anymore its like a dance that we have and my feet are tired. Its like life is a race and I am running it backwards and I have no way to win because the laps are going in the negative. I don't know if I am ready to say I wanna give up on Paul but I know he has her and I cant change that. I am not worth that.

Final words from my day. Suicide may not be the answer but it sure is running through my head alot.