So fucking Mad

ok I am so mad..like I dont even know if I have enough words in my being to say how mad I am right now. I had a chance to go back to my old school, and my mom didnt tell me about it. She knew how happy it would make me to go back there, but no for her own fucking selfish reasons she didnt say one word to me. Then when I just found out and confronted her, she was like your gonna do what I want you to do because you live under my roof. WHAT THE HELL!!! I thought your parents were supposed to support your wants and she just wont. She cant handle that I am not her and I never want to be her or anything like her. EVER! I swear I want to hurt her so bad right now. I know that this wll probably fade, but rightnow I am so mad I could punch someone. Thats all im say..

Final words from my Day: FUCK HER AND ALL THAT SHE HAS DONE TO HOLD ME BACK!!!

my Heart hurts

maybe it is because I need someone here that isnt
or maybe its because im just sad
at this point in time maybe I need to be i dont know
unhappy to gain some happy?

Im really Sad

So I called, on a long shot, the show the Locater. Or actually e-mailed, you know just to take the wild chance that I would get a call saying, "hey we found your father". Unfortunately they didnt find him, they called to say no one has any rocord of him ever existing, so now I am thinking my mom lied to me. About everything and I hate it. I want my dad and now I dont know what to do because I dont know the truth from all the lies. Is there even a truth when the story keeps changing.

Final words from my day: I want my daddy, why wont she help me?

so Here he Is

so this is Justin. ..now what?

oh No now What

Ok so I have this friend who I have been friends with for like four years now. His name is Justin. We have been really good friends, but i have always had a tiny crush on him. I know what your thinking, oh here we go another boy to add to the list. Thats what I was thinking to. So Anyway. Tonight I was IMing him and he asked me who I liked at our old school, he graduated last year, and I told him that I had always had a little crush on him, I was just to shy to tell him. Until now. And I never do that. But this one turned out good, unless he was just tellin me what I wanted to hear. He was always with one of my friends, Ashton, though. She cheated on him, then called rape, but she wasnt raped, she just didnt want Justin to know she cheated. Anywho. I felt bad because I had known for a while and didnt tell him, he just seemed so happy and I didnt want to be the one to wreck it. SO when I finally told him last year at school, the day before I signed his yearbook. He was so bummed, he turned his head and he cried, and he doesnt ever cry in front of anyone, EVER! But he said he wasnt mad at me, whoosh big relief.

Oh wait im not done. So he said that he always had a little crush on me to, thus making my little crush turn into a big crush. He is at bootcamp now and will be leaveing for the army soon. :( Why the hell did I have to be so damn shy in high school, gash danggit I could have had him, at least from what he was saying I could have. He said that when he comes to visit over holidays he wants to see me. And i am 100% positive I want to see him. And the funny thing is, talking to him made me not think about Eric or Paul. Strange.

Final words from my day: WTF!!!

Not meant To have Him there

I know its been a while since I last posted, Ive been sad and just not up to it. I miss so many people and I have been looking for my dad. No luck.
Maybe Im not meant to know him.

Im never The right Girl

Im never ther girl that they want to talk to on a rainy day. Im never the girl that they go out of their way to get ahold of. Im not the one they tak about, or the one they dream about. Im not the one they call up just to hang out, or just to talk to. I get a random text from Paul and thats when I realize and me and him will just be friends, because he has Tiffany, why would he want me. And Eric well I made some effort. I called him and no one answered. I guess its a sign. Maybe im meant to be alone. Im not going to cry about it anymore. I have too many other things I am crying about to deal with this. Ashleigh, Eric's cousin, who is like a sister to me, is moving to Florida today and I have no idea what I am going to do without her. I love her so much I swear I could fill a pool with the tears I have cried lately. How can one person possibly gernerate so many tears. I miss my sister, sh moved and I have seen her maybe twice since. I hate it. I want my dad but of course that will probably never happen because he has no idea that im here. So is this what my life is going to be..saddness and misery?