Not so Excited really

ok so my sister came to visit from sacramento
yay
other than that not too much has happened.
I am writing Eric
well he wrote back
the I wrote back
gah!!!
so lame
I just sucked myself back into this stupid relationship
oh he asked for a second chance
the one guy I have the hardest time sayin no to
wants a second chance
gosh why
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to go find a pillow and scream into it

not Daddy's little Girl

Not Daddy's Little Girl
I have my momma sittin here
she's always been there
to dry my tears
brothers sisters big brown dog
no one ever filled that spot
deep way down
way down inside theres a hole inside my chest
waiting for the day
you'll come and catch me and my breath

Im not daddy's little girl
She will never be
you werent there to dry my tear
sand all that I need
Im not daddy's little girl
she will never be
you werent there to tell him no
that little girl is gone

I have my big family
but one of them is gone
the man who shoulda been here now
is gone without a trace
I try to keep it locked inside
but now the feelings out
its like a monster clawing through today
I need this voice to shout
louder louder louder now
your gone without a trace

Im not daddy's little girl
she can never be
without the man who helped
bring her here
Im not daddy's little girl
she can never be
you werent there to take control
when the darkness came to me
Ive been hoping all my life
someday you will come to me
but I know that that things can never be

daddy daddy come save me
I need you here tonight
my voice is gone and its hard to shout
Hold me dear your words dont mean shit
Im all grown up now
where were you back then

Im not daddy's little girl
she may never be
but I have my family here tonight
to keep that man away
Im not daddy's little girl
she may never be
but now all my friends are here
they're gonna protect me
No Im Not Daddy's Little Girl

I dont Know what To do

maybe if I looked at this situation the point of view from someone else I would have the heart to walk away from something I know is no good. Even Josh said he thinks Eric is no good for me. How many more people need to come into my life telling me he is no good before I will listen. Why does he have this hold on my heart when I swore I would take it back. It's not supposed to be like this. I know inside that I will love again, but why can't this one just let go. Why is is so hard to say goodbye to my past and just let it be done. I truely have no reason to hang on to him anymore. I said all I can say in that letter and still I feel as if I have more to poor out to him because maybe just maybe I havent been honest with myself yet. How is it that I can walk around each day giving people dake smiles, when I know all I was to do if frown and fall asleep because that is the only time I dont feel any pain. My heart aches for someone to be here for me and the people who keep trying I push away. Because I just want Eric. Eric, and just Eric. Can't I just pretend that they are really what I want? No. Because all my pretending will do is send me into over drive and I will cry and cry and cry.

I sent It

So I sent the letter today. Now I think I am going to be on my toes wondering if he even read it, or if he got itm or if he read it but doesnt want to write me back. Maybe he is pissed off at me for not telling him for so long about the baby. Or maybe he will write back and he will want to be friends. I don't know anything right now. But what I do know is that these next few weeks. or maybe just days , are going to be really nerve racking, just waiting to see if he is going to reply to anything I had to say.

This letter really just spilled out everything that I had been holding inside. If I had typed it up I woulda posted it, but of course I am a lined paper junky. My journals are so over filled its hilarious reading back and trying to figure out where I was trying to go.

Final words from my day: being nervous is a matter for the butterflys.

Lost in You

I always knew that you'd come back to get me
And you always knew that it wouldn't be easy
To go back to the start to see where it all began
Or end up at the bottom to watch how it all ends
You tried to lie and say I was everything
I remember when I said "I'm nothing without you"
I'm nothing without you
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me insideLet me get close to you
Change your mind
I'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
You always thought that I left myself open
But you didn't know I was already broken
I told myself that it wouldn't be so bad
But pulling away it took everything I had
You tried to lie and say I was everything
I remember when I said "I'm nothing without you"
I'm nothing without you
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me insideLet me get close to you
Change your mind
I'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
In you
Hey now fear the rise and the fall
I see evil in you
Now everyday I find myself say"I want to get lost in you"
I'm nothing without you
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me insideLet me get close to you
Change your mindI'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
A way to get lost in you

ehhh..im sick
I hate being sick
it suck major ass

today has been filled with nyquil and tissues and my fluffy pink pillow. You would think I would be really rested, but no I am just really really tired. Everytime I fall asleep I wake up so what is the point in even trying anymore. I will fall asleep when my bad cant take it to be awake anymore.

Other than that I am just really bored. Really really bored. I think I need to go do something with my time but every muscle in my body is all achy and frustrated. I dont know how a body can be frustrated but mine is.

ok so I still havent sent that letter, only this time I actually want to. I just cant because I dont have a stamp. Lol. of al the things holding me back its a freaking stamp..I am sending it as soon as I get one.

I am sick. I hope it is just the flu and nothing serious like the swine flu or anything. I already know some people with the swine flu. It sucks because I cant do anything to helo them. Or make them feel better.

I wrote my frined T.J. a letter as well. He is the guy who tells me he loved me ever since we met 3 year s ago. I dont like him that way anymore. So I basically said just that. Only I put some really funny things in it too so it wasnt just a dull depressing "fuck my life" kinda letter.

anywho i tired..night evryone.

Final words from my day: stay home if your too sick to walk