Jeemany Christmas

so we are houseing these two foreign exchange boys. One from Thailand and the other from Germany. Simon is from Germany and I just want to hurt him sometimes. So I was changing in m roo today and he just walks in. Doesnt even knock. How rude. Then later that day I was sleeping cuz I had just got back from the eye doctors and my head hurt pretty bad and when I woke up he was just staring at me. Kinda creepy. So I told my mom and she said that she put in a request to have him transfered to another house or just sent back to Germany. Either way im glad he is leaving. Maybe I sounf like a royal bitch for wanting him gone but I for one like my privacy andfeeling comfortable in my own home.

I went to the eye doctor today because I kept getting head aches when I read or watch a movie or something. The doctor said the I have to get reading glasses and maybe contacts to wear all the time because the glasses I would need to wear al the time would give me a head ache becuse of the two different size lences. Which is cool. I mean Im a book worm and there is no way in hell I am giving up reading just because my eyes decided they want to be retarded.

I went to Barnes and Noble today and got the final book in the Saga I am reading. Night World. I love those books. I love the author. She is one of my favorites. L.J. Smith. Such a wonderful author. My other favorite author is Lurlene McDaniel. She is a really inspiring author. While I am on the topic of books. I find it kind of strange that most of my friends would rather smoke pot that read a verse from the bible. Maybe that is just me, but teenagers these days are really strange. I mean I myself skip somenights, just because I am tried and forget, but Ihave friends who dont even own a bible.

Im kinda ready to give up on Josh. I mean I like him soooo much but he is sending me so many mixed signals. And today I got a text from him saying if you could ask me one question what would it be, I asked him Why are you so mysterious about your feelings. He was like what are you talking about. I said well when ever I tell you how I feel about you, you just say you never know what can happen. He said well someday might just tel you, you never know. GOSH! so frustrated. Or maybe my patients is just really low today because of Simon. I dont want to be the kind of girl that obsesses over a guy until she has him or he gets with someone else and them im heartbroken. Im not saying im obsessed with him, im just saying I think about him alot.

So im really tired and i have to go to the store and buy a lock for my door tomorrow cuz I dont know exactly when Simon will be leaving.

Final words of wisdom my my long day: Dont wait around to know how someone feels about you..ask and who knows you may just get an answer, even if I didnt.

Josh can be so cute. I love it, but then its not a clear feeling im getting. Like he is a major flirt, but maybe that is all he is doing. Flirting.

I went and saw a movie tonight. Time Traveler's Wife. It was really good. Kinda slow to start btu it was funny and I had a good time..Girls went to one movie boys to another.

We are sending Simon back to Germany. He is being such a jerk and he doesnt know what the word privacy means. Lucky on the other hand is so awesome. He is funny and heunderstands that he has to do what we do because that s the whole point of being a foreign exchane student right. To learn how to live in our culture. Simon jst isnt willing to do that. He doesnt even want to give it a try.

I am so tired. I am going to cut this one short. Iwill leave you with a message in my head.

Love is never fake, it doesnt have to make sense, or follow any rules. It just is what it is, and you cant choose when you fall.

Im stupid

ok so Josh is not making this any easier for me. When I tell him how I feel he says "you never know what can happen. everything can change in a second." Yes I know everything can change in a second, but what the hell am I supposed to do until it does change. Gosh Josh I like you so much and your killing me.

Today I finally let go and cried. I went to the bathroom to fix my hair and I just started balling. Is this what it has come to? Having to hide my sadness in the bathroom. Half the time I dont even know why im sad.

I told everyone today that Im not going back to trinity and a few people seemed sad. But the rest were just like ok you gotta do what makes you happy. I am happy they want me to do what I want, but I was kind of hoping a lot more people would protest and tell me I need to come back. Poor Chelsey she was so sad. I am really trying to find a way to go back I just dont see how it can be possible now that the Mill burnt down. All the businesses are going to want to hire people with experience. I have none. So where is my way out.

Maybe going to Colorado is the best thing for me right now. Tasha says she understands, and deep down I know she does, but she really doesnt want me to go. I dont want to leave her. This would be so much easier if I could just take her with me. And Brittany, I dont know what her problem is. Its like I try to be there for her but when I need her she doesnt want to hear anything I have to say. And Christina, well she is all wrapped up in Garth the I cant get through to her anyway.

Maybe I am just being overly dramatic, but hey we all have our moments. And we all get over them...right?

I'm not ready to give up on the people and the things I love. I am too awake right now and I don't think I can fall asleep with all these things in my head. First of all, why cant Eric just stop getting himself into stupid situations. Why does he have to make it so hard to trust him. I know he knows right from wrong, but its like he goes out of his way to screw up his life. I never thought that telling him the secret I had kept inside and away from him for two years would turn into no big deal to him. But it was a big deal to me. A very big deal. And then there is Kurt who has moved on, but you know what I don't really think about him that much anymore. I have new interests.

Paul is like a smile right when I wake up, he is like a hug when all you want to do is run away and hide. He makes me laugh and he always says the right thing at the right time. He is the breeze we all wait for on a hot summer day. But then there is Josh, and he is so..gosh I don't even have the words to describe how he makes me feel. Why do I get two great guys, and have to choose. I cant do it. But I have to and I think I have to choose the more logical one. Even if age isn't supposed to matter. Now that I am 18, Paul seems to be out of reach, considering he is only 15 turning 16. Yea not cool with the law right. I hate being 18, it doesn't really give me much more freedom than I had before. Anyway. Josh is 18 and well actually he is only one week older tan me. But that's not really the point I like them both and I don't want to have to choose. And Paul doesn't really show interest when we are in person, but then when we text its like whoa connection. And Josh, well we are just friends. After not talking for almost or maybe over a year..he just pops back into my life. And I know I like him.

Then I have school. Which I haven't started yet..I am a senior and I haven't started school yet. I think I should just go back to Colorado and do what I can there. I want to be away from all of this and everyone. I don't think I can handle anymore disappointment and right now that is all that is coming into my life. I am just going to sleep on the idea. I mean I have family out there, but the friends I have made here are way better than the life I left behind.

On another note. I want to find my dad. The man who doesn't know I exist. What could possibly go wrong? I will just have to pray to God for some answers. No one else seems to have any for me.

Tired

Alright, I need to admit this. It has been holding me back for so long, I still want to be with Eric. I know I can't and the stupid things he has done don't help. When I was with him he made me feel really good, like it was just me there and the rest of the world was gone. Now that I don't have him with me, or know where he is for that matter, I feel so away from myself. I find myself so tired all the time, and I didn't know why at first. Now that I think about it, I started getting more and more tired the day I found out that Eric had run away from his Group Home. I am not really sure why I feel like this, and I could be wrong about why I am feeling so tired, but all I remember is that it started around the time that I found out he left. Am I so emotionally attached to him that I can't even be awake for a full day without thinking of him. I can't help that he is in my heart, and I can't help that I still really love him. So I guess I should just try to get help, but from who? I can't talk to my mom about him because she gets so mad for even bringing him up. I can't talk to my sister because she will just say to let it go, like she did before. the people I really want to talk about this with my mom won't let me talk to. It is like all my pain these days comes back to either my mother or Eric. Now I am no expert but I am sure that is not a good thing. How do I overcome the fear of telling my mother how I truly feel, if every time I get up the courage she says she doesn't want to hear it.

It is the funniest thing really, I can't remember how to forgive him, Eric I mean. How do you forgive someone who said they loved you and then cheated and then left and now won't stay out of your mind? Ha ha ha. Right.

I have got a little quote for you...
All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time. Julie Andrews

Ok you see, now if you can't be fully in love, then why does my heart still hurt so much? Why can't I get him out of my head, and mostly, why do I still cry for him, over him, and about him. It's a strange thing this LOVE thing. It hurts you more that it seems to make you feel happy. I mean sure for a while you are all shiney and happy, all of my friends will admit that when I was with Eric I was happy...or at least I think they would. But now I am so gloomy all the time.

Ok so now I want to to do this thing for me. Think back to when you were most happy. I am probably most positive that the time you are now thinking of did not involve a boy at all. Tell me if I am right. ok so now that you are completely thinking of what love can do to you...www.quizilla.com/polls/7566771/love-stinks...go to this link...ha ha take my poll. make my day!