Not feeling Up to Life anymore

So I have never met my dad. and the other night I woke up in the middle of the night crying because I wanted my dad. Is that norman considering I have never met the man. I have always wondered wat he was like. If I look like him..What he smells like. what color his hair is. His eyes? I just dont think it is right for my mom to have not told him about me.

Final words of my day: Fathers deserve to know they have a child.

Just some Missed moments...

This is me when I was a kid. I love this picture because it reminds me that everyone has a kid hidden somewhere inside them. Even though some have them hidden deep deep deep down inside. But you know its still there. Its kind of funy to se how I have grown. Anyway just wanted a little flash back moment.

So today was good i guess. I finally got a full day off. lol..that almost never happens. Usually something comes up and I have to work. Lame. but yeah.

Suprisingly I am pretty tired. I am not sure why but Im not ready to sleep yet. I am kind of thinking about Josh.

So he made a comment that he didnt understand why a guy couldnt just hang with a girl and be just friends, why they had to be dating. So im kind of thinking that he just wants to be friends with me. And I think I might be fine with that. I always get too caught up in a guy thinking we might get together and usually it doesnt happen. But hey, one day it will hapen for me and I will be so happy that I wont even think twice about being sad about oll the Josh's and Paul's in my life. I am really going to try not to get to worked up about it.

HA I say that now. But we all know that I will probably still think about them. I just wont get too worked up about it. so yup..yup. awww..

Ok so look at me now. I have changed so much and I dont always like it sometimes. I can be good..but I am bad a lot of the time to. I drink and I smoke and I party. But I havea good heart.

Final words from my day: Dont let the child inside you hide from your heart. Most of the good things about a person come from the child parts inside you.

Life of The dull And confused

holy moses...lol

today was hard. I worked all day. and its monday..grrr..

SIMON IS GONE!!! I AM SO FUCKIN HAPPY I MIGHT JUST GO DO CARTWHEELS ON THE HIGHWAY!!!

ok maybe not..for two reasons: 1. I dont know how..lol and 2. I dont wanna die yet..lol

aww sweet silence...

oh the band Theory Of A Deadman is the shiz. Dont care who you are..you gotta listen to Not Meant To Be. Love that song..

soooo tired...night

final words from my day: I dont know who said ignorance is bliss...DUDE! silence and shut eyelids and sweet dreams of sexy boys s bliss..lol

whoopsy

well Josh and Tasha are coming to my house tonight yay..

today has been short..

not much has happened.
Christina is mad at me for showing Josh a picture of Garth.
Oh well she will live. Her boyfriend is an ass hole anyway.

Final words from my short day...

Its not such a big deal..so dont turn it into one.

One of Those dayz?

sometimes I think about how horrible my day is going, or how long it is, or just..well..about evrything that has gone wrong, all in one day. Well today was a mixture of bad and good, and honestly I am exhausted, but I must blog the readers... :)

So to start it off I woke up at 2:30 this morning to my dog trying to attack my cat. They have always gotten along, and just these past couple weeks Pumba(my dog) has been the biggest ass to George(my cat). I dont know what is problem is but he has been a jerk to all the animals lately. Not just George.

Then I got woken up again by my mom, who by the way does open doors she throws them, saying that she had to leave so I had to work today..Lame considering I get tuesdays, thursdays and weekends off unless she goes out of town on saturday for my sisters cheer meets. But I was supposed to have today off because I worked yesterday, due to my mom being a blonde and forgetting that she had an appointment that was only supposed to last an hour..yea right..with her an hour is 4 hours like 5 minutes can turn into 2 hours. Im not exaggerating. My mom runs an in home 24/7 daycare. So my house is never peaceful. But yeah so I worked today. Not getting much sleep last night because I thought I would have today off, I stayed up late.

Then Simon came home, which automatically ut me in a fussy mood because he thinks he just Mr. High and Mighty and everyone should clean up and cook for him and dinner has to be done when he gets back from practice or we are terrible people. Its whatever now cuz guess what. just guess..ok dont guess I'll just tell you. He is going to be gone by sunday!!! so freakin happy. Anyway back to the reason I was mad at him even more today. So he goes into the kitchen, leaves the fridge open, leave the sink running, and a mess on the counter. We in this house have a rule, open it close, mess it up clean it up, turn it on turn it. Simple right. I guess not for him. Then he goes into the living room and starts eating on the couch! Not allowed unless the table is full of daycare kids, which it wasnt because half were with my mom somewhere and then some in the playroom and some takin a nap. Then he decided that he had to leave. Fine by me, only he left a knife sitting on the floor. Any one of those little kids could have gotten to it and really hurt themselves. WHAT KIND IF MORON LEAVES A KNIFE ON THE FLOOR AROUND KIDS!!! GOSH!!! Plus he made a huge mess n the couch and since my mom was gone I had to clean it up. He comes back and I tell him that he shouldnt eave knifes on the floor because of the kids and he had the nerve to say, "little children should learn to not touch what is not theirs. They need disipline and maybe knife will teach that." WAT A RETARD! Stupid. I tried to keep my cool, so I went outside and screamed really loud! AHHHH! jeeze. Anyway happier cuz no one in california or anywhere near california wants to take him and the only available place is in, wait for it, ALASKA!!!! HELL FUCKIN YEA!!!

aww so happy. oh and I have to work tomorrow. but starting at 3 and only for a bit cuz my moms other workin is comin in she just has to go watch her boys game then she will be here..yippie!

So sorry for that uhh language. Im gonna go sleep. So tired.. :)

Final words of the day..

Knives ARE NOT a lesson to be learned..they are for cutting! Not little children who dont know any better because they barely know how to CRAWL!!!

Not too Sure yet?!?

I find myself thinking about Eric alot lately. I got into my mode where I have to go through everything and clean it even if it isnt messy. I always do that when i think of Eric. I dont know why, it just happens, every single frinkin time. but on the plus side my mom didnt have to scream at me to clean my room because when she came to yell at me about it, it was all shiny. It comes down to this. I still love Eric, and I probably always will, but no matter how much I love him, I cant get back together with him. I gave him a second chance and he blew it out of the water with a frickin bomb. Love hurts sometimes. And I wil have to get used to that. No matter how much I want to believe that he really cared for me, I know that all he really wanted was someone to have sex with, and that is so not cool with me. I just wish I would have known that when I was with him. I have this way of falling for guys I know arent good for me. Eric isnt the first.

Lets take a trip down memory lane shall we..

First there is my first ever boyfriend, from way back in preschool..lol..Israel. He was my first love lol. Well he was my first puppy love anyway. I will never forget that firey red hair. He was also my first kiss. Wow I miss that kid lol.

Then Christian, boy was that a mistake. In the beginning he was wonderful, and he spoiled me that was a major plus. Not that I'm a gold digger, just sayin I didnt mind. Everytime he did something to upset me he would fix it with buyng something for me. Thats when I started noticing the change in him. He would get so rough and then one day he grabbed my hand and twisted it. But of course I didnt think anything of it because I thought that was normal. So not normal. I know that now. One day he just hit me, out of no where I guess I said something to upset him. Im so happy that my friend Phil was there to see that, because no one else ever believed me, because Christian was just such a nice guy. Im not even the one who broke it off with him, my friend Vanessa did it because I was too afraid to go near him.

Then we have Eric and he hit me once and that killed our relationship. That was his second chance. The first he blew by cheating on me. With someone who was supposed to be his sister. Yuck!

Kurt was awesome. I could have swan in those beautiful grey blue eyes..mmmm. so gorgeous. I loved his eyes. In a way I think I loved him, or it was just a really really big crush. I never got him though. It was shawna then spencer and wat really sucks about that, is that I could have had him. Its just that Tashina had to go and fuck it up by tellin lies and spreadin rumors and now me and Kurt dont even talk. We used to be like best friends. Now we see each other, wave, and pass on. Goes to show that everything has its good and rough times, only the ones that are meant to go through really do. and I guess that some friendships are meant to end.

Chance, well Chance was really spontaneous. He was a small crush that got lit up and pushed forward. It lasted a short time and I dont regret anything that happened.

and finally we have Lyle..one night stand..nuff said.

Paul is a mega crush as well as Josh. Paul is illegal considering im 18 but everyone says age shouldnt matter, but it kind of does. With both of us. and Tiffany stands in the way of his sexy self. And Josh is just not gonna tell me how he feels anytime soon. Yippie for me.

I need to find a guy. Or maybe I should just occupy myself and stay single till some amazing guy comes through. It could happen right?

A few months ago my best friends grandpa past away and I miss him alot. When I moved there they all welcomed me like I was family. And then a few days ago KCs mom past on. I feel so terrible about it. And I cant do anything to change the fact that they ae both gone, and they wont be back. But I will keep them in my heart.

Final words from my day...Bless the time you have with the ones you cherish, you never know when it will all end, or someone will suddenly pass away. R.I.P Mamma Wiseman and Grandpa Lawsen you will never be forgotten.

some hope

today I talked to Josh and asked him why he has been so distant with his feelings. He said that even though he is the one who broke up with Sarah (his pyscho ex) that he still cares for her. I know how he feels because I miss Eric like that all the time..but him and Sarah are more recent and they were together longer than me and Eric. I guess I just need to sit back and let it play out how it wants to. I cant force him to want me like I want him. And I would rather stay friends with him than push the issue and end up fighting. GAHHH!!!

I am excited for spring break. Its days away but I cant wait. Me and Tasha (my best friend) are planning a trip just the two of us for that week..SO EXCITED!! We dont know where we are going yet but we just know we want to get away. I called her crying the other day because everything was coming at me all at once. I was fighting with my mom and my sister. I was worried about my other best friend Cory because his aunt just dyed. And KC, Cory's cousin, is like a big brother to me, I havent seen either of them in such a long time. I tried calling Cory but I guess his phone is disconnected. Which worries me even more because he always pays his bill. I feel like im being cut off from everyone I love most.

Things will get better soon I hope. Its like people say, you have to get through the bad times before you get to the good because you wont know if its good unless you've experienced the bad.

I just bough the move Cast Away. I wonder what it would be like to be stranded on an island with everyone thinking you were dead. Your only friend being a vollyball. That would be so sad. To be secluded like that. I would hate it. Especially because I cant go one day without talking to Tasha. I remember when I lost my voice, it was so bad. I couldnt even whisper, cuz you couldnt hear it. everyone thought it was funny, even I thought it was funny. Then when I had to give a speech I was laughing so hard, of course you couldnt hear it, but like no one understood a word I was trying to say. Anyway back to the point. That was such a good movie, really sad ending.

I miss Colorado sometimes. Im thing about moving back there.

well im out..love to all of you

final words from my day: not everything is meant to be, if you let it go and it comes back, you know that it is.