Long Time No Write

So I know it has been a long time since the last time I wrote on here. Things have been a little crazy. I don't even know where I left off. I am not sure where I should fill in. Well my baby boy should be here soon. i went in to the hospital yesterday and well they sent me home. Not so nice of them..ok it was because my little boy isn't ready to be here yet. I just hope he stays in there until uh...after Christmas..

4 months Tomorrow

I will be 4 months pregnant tomorrow. I am so happy but I seem to get irritated and sad a lot easier now than I ever have before. I am ready to have my baby here already and just be over all the throwing up. Dont really feel like writing too much right now but here are some sonogram pictures and my tummy at 3 months and 3 weeks.

3 months and 3 weeks

I can't seem to hold anything down now. I am almost 4 months and it hasn't gotten any better. But Jon helps a lot and I really love him so much. His daughter GraceLynn is calling me mama now and I am so so happy. I thought the whole thing wasn't going to last but it is and I am so thankful.

GraceLynn is one year next week. I think we are going to get her a small cake for herself to just stick her face in lol thats what I did, when I was one. I am just hoping Jon will clean the mess when she's done. lol he doesn't even like changing her diapers. Oh well I love all the sides of playing mommy.

SONOGRAM!!!

Got my first sonogram yesterday
I was so happy
and Jon was smiling so I know he was happy
I will post the pictures asap
my scanner is hatin
I love life right now
only thing is I wash I could be with Tasha and Paul :(
I miss them

Oh and Im 12 weks and 2 days

Long Time Catch up :)

Alright so its been a long while since I last wrote in this blog.
Well now I actually have some time and I have some news for any of my readers that are still reading..
Hold on to your panties ladies and gentlemen
I am pregnant..
Stall wih Jon :)
I love him
Wow that was easy to say
should it be that easy?
well it is either way
I havnt said it to him yet except once when I was drunk..
but ther than that I am afraid to
any advice
anyway..
I am about 3 months along and I barf up everything that smells like food.. :)
lol I think ts funny but only because
well I laugh alot lately lol
I am just so happy I cant really explain it
Jon and I now have an apartment together and are very happy
I am so glad to be out of my moms house.
I was so crowded and I felt like a was going to fly off the roof
if she told me i was getting fat one more time
well now she knows why I am gaining weight..
little baby on the way.
hmm..
I might just start a whole new blog on my pregnany
then maybe one on matherhood
what do you think???
good idea? bad idea?

yay :)

I have a boyfriend :)

I am so just out of what I should be doing right now. I am way more behind in shcool than I thought, all becasue I switched back. Clint is in jail. I just got a letter from him yesterday. I was so ecited I couldnt even read it. Then when I was writing him I found I had nothing to say. What do you think that means. This past two weeks I have been trying to think of things to say to him, but when it came to actually writing him this damn letter I had to be totally random about it. Im not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

So my BooBoo Bear is getting engaged!!! Hopefully Nick pops the big Q this sunday when they come rescue me. I Am so happy I am friends with Tiffany. She can actually listen to me blab about Paul without getting annoyed because she talks about him just as much as I do. She said she wants me and Paul to go to prom togther. I guess that is a good thing, I mean she likes me. Now I just have to worry about the awkward part with me and Paul for the first little while. I hope they all come. But I guess it depends on whether we all get paid or not...

I met a guy. Well not really met, he got my number from my friend Mikey. Only he is like way sweet and idk I think I am just scared to get close to anyone again because I keep getting hurt.

More when I have time.

Final words from my day: I hate Valentines Day..

wohoo?

So I am not pregnant! I am friends with Paul's girlfriend. And I have to make up 42 credits of schoolwork to do because my old school sucks big as.

I still dont know

So im still not sure yet if I am pregnant.
I cant really believe that I did this.
I never let go and drink like that.
I dont know how 4 beers effected me so much,
because it never has before.
I told Paul and Nick about it.
About what happened.
I really can't recall it all.
I have never gotten that messed up in my life.
I dont understand at all.
But what can I really do about it now.
If I am pregnant I will take care of the baby.
This is my mess up and I need to deal with it.
I know one thing though,
I am never drinking with people I just met,
EVER AGAIN!

I have let Paul go as anything more than my best friend
I asked him to be the God Father
well him and Nick
And I asked Tasha to be the God Mother
I know im not 100 % sure yet but I was emotional and I just asked.
They all said yes.
I told Eric to stay out of my life
no more calling
no more texting
no more stopping by
because it always ends in a fight and me crying
I cant handle him anymore
I really dont want Clint to go to jail
but in less than 6 days that is exactly what is going to happen
I know none of this makes any sense right now
I will explain it better when im not freakin out

I really dont know where to go from here..

Still bein Watched

its probably a good thing they are watching me now

suicide Watch

my friends have pulled out their suicide watch faces. I cant handle bein watched like this. I might freak out. But I know they just have my best intentions at heart. In way I am glad. They are the only people keepin me here right now.

merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all!
I wish I was with Paul
I wish I had all my friends
I wish I could have all my family here
I wish I wasnt so sad on such a great day
I wish life would get better

I cant really figure anything out anymore. It is like I cant do anything right. And I cant have anything I want.
The one guy I fell in love with, gave my heart to, and just really let myself fall for..slept with someone who is my friend. I don't understand and I hate feeling like this so much. I almost killed myself because of him and those stupid skanks. I shouldn't be calling them skanks because they were at one point in time my best friends.
I know I am stupid and reckless but I don't deserve what they did to me because this time I can honestly say I did nothing wrong. I cant stand her boyfriend and she knows that so why the hell would she believe that I flirted with him. That's never even been a thought in y mind. I would NEVER do that to her. and she should know me well enough to know that. But I guess I'm just not worth keeping around. I guess it comes down to lies and deception and they all chose to shut me out. Fine by me at least now I know who the real good trustworthy people are in my life. I don't even know if people read this but I don't care either.
I miss him and I know he has a girlfriend and she is a sweet heart and that's probably why I feel so guilty. But when I talk to him I feel so much better. He talked me down from killing myself and I have no way to repay him but to stop flirting with him because I know that he wont choose me over her. And I don't want him to. I came in and screwed up his world not the other way around. And I know what I was doing is wrong. But you know something, now he knows how I feel and the ball is in his hands. If he wants me I am his in a heartbeat. If not I am happy just to have him as a friend. I go crazy when I don't get to talk to him and today I didn't at all. I have texted but I know that he probably just didn't wanna be bothered by me and all my stupid suicidal thoughts.
If anyone cares I am still here. And I still love him, but he fucked but. I still love those girls to death, but they fucked up worse. And I still hella like him but he has her and I have to accept that. I need to stop getting my hopes up thinking things are gonna change. Because from this point they aren't.

I am no longer friends with Jaclyn and Christina. They ruined that for themselves because I know I was a great friend. I was always there for them when they needed me even if I needed them more at the time. I brushed my problems aside to listen to what they had to say. And I cant do this thing with Eric anymore its like a dance that we have and my feet are tired. Its like life is a race and I am running it backwards and I have no way to win because the laps are going in the negative. I don't know if I am ready to say I wanna give up on Paul but I know he has her and I cant change that. I am not worth that.

Final words from my day. Suicide may not be the answer but it sure is running through my head alot.

Not so Fabulous

so im not much in the blogging mood tonight..i promise to do a super great one tomorrow.. :)

final words..i got none

Im sorry Im not Good enough For you

Im sorry it has boon so long since I have posted any blogs. I have ben going though so much and it probably would have helped to write something about it. So maybe I should fill all of you in.

Eric, the ex not the newby, recently started calling me. He wants to start over. Just as friends, but to tell you the truth I am scared beyond all belief. He was my everything and when I broke up with him he took a peice of my heart. He still has it and I dont know if I want it back or if I want him to be more careful and stop sticking needles in it. He said he still loves me and of course my dumb ass believes him. Why I dont know so dont ask cuz I cant tell you. Yesterday we got into a fight over the phone. Over something stupid and retarded. But I caught him in a lie and I called him on it and he didnt like it at all. He hung up on me and that was that. Then he called me today and acted like nothing even happened. I hate feeling that I am just here to amuse him.

Paul and I now have nicknames for each other. Its kinda funny and rediculous but I like it and honestly he has become one of my best friends since we have met. He is Penguin and I am Goose. Dont ask where they came from, its just a random thing that happened over text. Speaking of texting, I text him more than anyone else, we talk more than I talk to Tasha and she is my best friend. How can that be. I just get so happy when his name pops up and I get butterflies and goose bumps. I love it. But I hate it at the same time, because he knows exactly how I feel and I am left wondering how he feels. He is still with Tiffany but he seems so unhappy with her. Like I have to pull him out of sad moods after they fight, which is all the time. He said he likes talkin to me, and i love talkin to him. He makes me smile at the smallest things. And when I am around him he is just.... wow. thats the only way I can describe it.

I went to a halloween party at my friend KCs and Kurt was there. He got fat and I am actually kind of disgusted at how he is now. He has let himself go and I still think his eyes are the most beautiful things ive seen on this earth but beside that I dont think I am interested in him anymore. Strange how time can catch up with you and things and people you once knew are so alien to you now. I like it but I dont. I know im confusing, but who isnt.

Brittany is moving in with me. YAY! I am excited because when she is around my mom isnt so mean to me. We have this big plan to move out and get a place I hope that happens sooner than I am thinking its going to. But then I always want what I can have. I have been going out alot. drinking and smokin pot. I like the escape but I realize that the reality is still there waiting for me when I get of that high cloud im on. Im not onna say im going to stop, because I know im not, but I know I am going to slow down and take a breath. I need to. I cant live my life on a cloud anymore. It was good for a while, but somehow my life went down a path that I dont remember going down and its because I was so high up I couldnt see that I was crumbling.

I still want to fall asleep and not wake up, but other than that I am just numb to the world. I see now that I am important when people I dont even know write me and say I am impoartant. You know who you are, and I thank you because I was at the point of not caring that I needed to slow down. So thank you and you really encouraged me to keep writing. It helps to know that people are actually listening.

Ashleigh is getting out of Juve soon. I am the only one that knows the date. I want to go pick her up. I almost gaveup on my drawing but she kicked my butt back into shape when I told her that. lol..guess I should post some of my work for you all to see. Most of it is gloomy but what can I say they follow my mood.

Final words of my day: sometime you need to float down from the cloud youve been on to realize that life doesnt go away when you get lost.

So fucking Mad

ok I am so mad..like I dont even know if I have enough words in my being to say how mad I am right now. I had a chance to go back to my old school, and my mom didnt tell me about it. She knew how happy it would make me to go back there, but no for her own fucking selfish reasons she didnt say one word to me. Then when I just found out and confronted her, she was like your gonna do what I want you to do because you live under my roof. WHAT THE HELL!!! I thought your parents were supposed to support your wants and she just wont. She cant handle that I am not her and I never want to be her or anything like her. EVER! I swear I want to hurt her so bad right now. I know that this wll probably fade, but rightnow I am so mad I could punch someone. Thats all im say..

Final words from my Day: FUCK HER AND ALL THAT SHE HAS DONE TO HOLD ME BACK!!!

my Heart hurts

maybe it is because I need someone here that isnt
or maybe its because im just sad
at this point in time maybe I need to be i dont know
unhappy to gain some happy?

Im really Sad

So I called, on a long shot, the show the Locater. Or actually e-mailed, you know just to take the wild chance that I would get a call saying, "hey we found your father". Unfortunately they didnt find him, they called to say no one has any rocord of him ever existing, so now I am thinking my mom lied to me. About everything and I hate it. I want my dad and now I dont know what to do because I dont know the truth from all the lies. Is there even a truth when the story keeps changing.

Final words from my day: I want my daddy, why wont she help me?