Still bein Watched

its probably a good thing they are watching me now

suicide Watch

my friends have pulled out their suicide watch faces. I cant handle bein watched like this. I might freak out. But I know they just have my best intentions at heart. In way I am glad. They are the only people keepin me here right now.

merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all!
I wish I was with Paul
I wish I had all my friends
I wish I could have all my family here
I wish I wasnt so sad on such a great day
I wish life would get better

I cant really figure anything out anymore. It is like I cant do anything right. And I cant have anything I want.
The one guy I fell in love with, gave my heart to, and just really let myself fall for..slept with someone who is my friend. I don't understand and I hate feeling like this so much. I almost killed myself because of him and those stupid skanks. I shouldn't be calling them skanks because they were at one point in time my best friends.
I know I am stupid and reckless but I don't deserve what they did to me because this time I can honestly say I did nothing wrong. I cant stand her boyfriend and she knows that so why the hell would she believe that I flirted with him. That's never even been a thought in y mind. I would NEVER do that to her. and she should know me well enough to know that. But I guess I'm just not worth keeping around. I guess it comes down to lies and deception and they all chose to shut me out. Fine by me at least now I know who the real good trustworthy people are in my life. I don't even know if people read this but I don't care either.
I miss him and I know he has a girlfriend and she is a sweet heart and that's probably why I feel so guilty. But when I talk to him I feel so much better. He talked me down from killing myself and I have no way to repay him but to stop flirting with him because I know that he wont choose me over her. And I don't want him to. I came in and screwed up his world not the other way around. And I know what I was doing is wrong. But you know something, now he knows how I feel and the ball is in his hands. If he wants me I am his in a heartbeat. If not I am happy just to have him as a friend. I go crazy when I don't get to talk to him and today I didn't at all. I have texted but I know that he probably just didn't wanna be bothered by me and all my stupid suicidal thoughts.
If anyone cares I am still here. And I still love him, but he fucked but. I still love those girls to death, but they fucked up worse. And I still hella like him but he has her and I have to accept that. I need to stop getting my hopes up thinking things are gonna change. Because from this point they aren't.

I am no longer friends with Jaclyn and Christina. They ruined that for themselves because I know I was a great friend. I was always there for them when they needed me even if I needed them more at the time. I brushed my problems aside to listen to what they had to say. And I cant do this thing with Eric anymore its like a dance that we have and my feet are tired. Its like life is a race and I am running it backwards and I have no way to win because the laps are going in the negative. I don't know if I am ready to say I wanna give up on Paul but I know he has her and I cant change that. I am not worth that.

Final words from my day. Suicide may not be the answer but it sure is running through my head alot.

Not so Fabulous

so im not much in the blogging mood tonight..i promise to do a super great one tomorrow.. :)

final words..i got none

Im sorry Im not Good enough For you

Im sorry it has boon so long since I have posted any blogs. I have ben going though so much and it probably would have helped to write something about it. So maybe I should fill all of you in.

Eric, the ex not the newby, recently started calling me. He wants to start over. Just as friends, but to tell you the truth I am scared beyond all belief. He was my everything and when I broke up with him he took a peice of my heart. He still has it and I dont know if I want it back or if I want him to be more careful and stop sticking needles in it. He said he still loves me and of course my dumb ass believes him. Why I dont know so dont ask cuz I cant tell you. Yesterday we got into a fight over the phone. Over something stupid and retarded. But I caught him in a lie and I called him on it and he didnt like it at all. He hung up on me and that was that. Then he called me today and acted like nothing even happened. I hate feeling that I am just here to amuse him.

Paul and I now have nicknames for each other. Its kinda funny and rediculous but I like it and honestly he has become one of my best friends since we have met. He is Penguin and I am Goose. Dont ask where they came from, its just a random thing that happened over text. Speaking of texting, I text him more than anyone else, we talk more than I talk to Tasha and she is my best friend. How can that be. I just get so happy when his name pops up and I get butterflies and goose bumps. I love it. But I hate it at the same time, because he knows exactly how I feel and I am left wondering how he feels. He is still with Tiffany but he seems so unhappy with her. Like I have to pull him out of sad moods after they fight, which is all the time. He said he likes talkin to me, and i love talkin to him. He makes me smile at the smallest things. And when I am around him he is just.... wow. thats the only way I can describe it.

I went to a halloween party at my friend KCs and Kurt was there. He got fat and I am actually kind of disgusted at how he is now. He has let himself go and I still think his eyes are the most beautiful things ive seen on this earth but beside that I dont think I am interested in him anymore. Strange how time can catch up with you and things and people you once knew are so alien to you now. I like it but I dont. I know im confusing, but who isnt.

Brittany is moving in with me. YAY! I am excited because when she is around my mom isnt so mean to me. We have this big plan to move out and get a place I hope that happens sooner than I am thinking its going to. But then I always want what I can have. I have been going out alot. drinking and smokin pot. I like the escape but I realize that the reality is still there waiting for me when I get of that high cloud im on. Im not onna say im going to stop, because I know im not, but I know I am going to slow down and take a breath. I need to. I cant live my life on a cloud anymore. It was good for a while, but somehow my life went down a path that I dont remember going down and its because I was so high up I couldnt see that I was crumbling.

I still want to fall asleep and not wake up, but other than that I am just numb to the world. I see now that I am important when people I dont even know write me and say I am impoartant. You know who you are, and I thank you because I was at the point of not caring that I needed to slow down. So thank you and you really encouraged me to keep writing. It helps to know that people are actually listening.

Ashleigh is getting out of Juve soon. I am the only one that knows the date. I want to go pick her up. I almost gaveup on my drawing but she kicked my butt back into shape when I told her that. lol..guess I should post some of my work for you all to see. Most of it is gloomy but what can I say they follow my mood.

Final words of my day: sometime you need to float down from the cloud youve been on to realize that life doesnt go away when you get lost.